Friday, March 23, 2012

Idiot Adventure Volume Three: "Attempting to go where no sane man as dared to go before..."

Okay, I know I suck. It's been a long time since I last updated the blog too and have dragged this last part for MONTHS. Sorry about that. Life is shit, and so is... uh... life...

My walking speed had long ago hastened to a sprint. It's pretty interesting to see how much a scare can get out of you. I ran for several blocks without running out of breath at full speed. The lit streets ended and I went back to the darkness. I tried hiding under a parked pickup truck, but noticed it wouldn't help any if they started looking below cars from different angles. Hiding in a dark alley was out of the question too at that moment because who knows what may lurk in one of them. It could be a dog, another set of cholos ready to kick my sorry ass or whatever the imagination of a scared moron (me) may conjure.

As I looked around me, my apparent salvation appeared. I was at a usually crowded street that had been paved and a bridge over what once was a river but had long become a drainage ditch.

What did I do?

a) Hide under a car
b) Hide in a dark alley
c) Hide under the bridge

If your answer was "c," you're right. I jumped into the former river's darkness and became engulfed by it. I heard the voice of one of them saying "There he is! Grab him!"

I landed on the slope and almost dropped the stick that had saved me before. I managed to keep hold of it and ran towards the underside of the bridge along the slope, trying my damnedest not to trip and end up on the bottom of the ditch. The murky, swampy waters smelled to high hell. I would have barfed from the stench of rotting, stagnant water long ago if I hadn't been so scared of what might have popped in their heads to do to me.

I got to the bridge, but noticed that somehow the moonlight was actually effective in betraying my position. The reason? Everything was painted white. It's only logical that a dark, human shadow would contrast against the dirty whiteness of the paint.

My solution was run up the slope and press against the surface of the cement in an effort to diffuse my silhouette against what seemed to be trash bags.

The sounds of the feet of my pursuers against the slope and the tripping of one that sent him right to the bottom indicated that they were closing in. I pressed myself against the cement and turned to try to locate them. The one on the bottom decided to get out of that place. It was the logical thing to do. Who knows what manner of infection he could grab from his contact with that rotting matter floating on the water. My pursuers were down to two.

They had entered the underside of the bridge.

"Do you see him?" one of them asked the other.

"No. Maybe he got out," the other responded.

"I don't think so. He should be tired after that run" the first one responded.

He was half right. I was tired after all that walking and the overkill that had been that long run. I was out of breath, my legs were hurt after the kicks on my shins, my sides were a mess too and to top it all, I had lightly sprained my right ankle when jumping down onto the slope.

The second one pointed to the bottom of the ditch. "Take a look. There are dry parts there and more shadows on the other side. There are bushes too. He's gotta be there."

"Little fucker's dead..." the first one said while chuckling.

The two of them walked down the slope and crossed over to the opposite slot.

"Now's your chance to get out of here, kid..." a raspy voice said next to me as the air around my face filled with an alcoholic stench.

I turned to my right, towards what I thought was a trash bag. It was actually an old man INSIDE a trashbag, stuffing the thing with old newspapers to protect himself from the cold.

"If you get out now, they won't notice, but if you take too long shitting your pants, they will come back! Get out of here and run! Run, you dumbass!"

I did as the old man told me. I almost wet my pants from the sheer scare of finding out I wasn't alone. I climbed the little wall that stood erect above the slope I was standing on. No surprise I sprained my ankle. I just jumped in without being able to see what was below. I had been really lucky. With the moonlight, I could perfectly see thin metallic bars where I could have impaled myself.

Another rush of adrenaline at thinking about that possible outcome filled me with a renewed wish to get home and helped me ignore the pain that by then stung like hell on most of my body.

I walked lightly around the street and onto the bridge that had almost saved my sorry hide while tightly gripping my only means of defense.

Fifteen minutes later, the distance between my home and I was short. I was coming into the usual streets so a slight sense of relief came over me.

The slight calm came with a price. The adrenaline wore off. I felt pain on most of my body. Torso, abdomen, legs, all of them were pulsing with pain. The only thing getting better was my sprain because of the constant walking.

From behind a car, four guys came out. They were smoking tobacco. Their clothes were also much better than mine, which pointed to their upper middle class background.

"Gimme all you have. NOW." one of them demanded as the other three laughed.

They were just a bunch of teenagers. I was slightly older than them and they threatened me. My pain quickly faded and was replaced by rage. Not just anger, pure, unadulterated rage. Rage at being threatened by a bunch of middle class twerps that fancied themselves cholos but wouldn't cut it when thrown in with the lot of them. I had been alternating between running and walking from dogs, REAL cholos that wanted to kick my dumb ass, jumped into a ditch and had been chased by three robbers willing to do who knows what to me. All of that to get threatened by four little assholes that fancied themselves badasses.

"FUCK"

"THIS"

"TO HELL!!"

Those are the equivalent of the words that I screamed in my head. I swung my stick at the one that had made the threat and hit him on the face. He flinched and I immediately kicked him on the stomach. Another one, a taller, but much thinner grabbed me by the neck, trying to put me in a chokehold. Instinctively, I clawed him with my relatively long nails and opened painful wounds on his arm as I kicked him with a mule kick. The other two that weren't attacking me slightly backed off, but I again swung my stick at them and hit one of them on the wrist. When he flinched, I grabbed him by the neck and jumped at him, sending him to the ground, hitting his head against the sidewalk we were on. The fourth tried to kick me and succeeded. His foot made my chest hurt more than I could take without letting a squeal out, but despite that, I grabbed his leg and bit him. My teeth against his skin pressed and tried to get to his bone. His shin was much bonier than I initially imagined. He hit me on the head with his knuckles, causing a sharp pain, but also increased my anger. Lifting his leg was much easier than anticipated with my left hand, so I punched his balls with my right... one, two, three times. He began crying and squealing, pleading for me to stop.

As I rose to my feet, I saw the one that threatened me looking at me from the ground, having finally managed to catch his breath after my kick. He was sitting with a scared look.

His face looked disgusting. Not because of being on the ground, but because of how cocky he had acted and made that threat with his friends. The image of his smug face, with that ridiculous smear of a mustache he was beginning to grow made him look even worse in my eyes. A pubescent boy that can't even grow decent facial hair had threatened ME. Someone that hadn't once crossed his path, was not looking for a fight or provoked his ire in any way.

I lifted my broomstick and swung it against his head once, opening a cut on his forehead by hitting him with the tip. He began CRYING! That is something I have ALWAYS hated about teenagers with nothing to do. They pick fights over NOTHING. If you're going to pick a fight, pick it like a man and if you win, you can gloat. If you lose, LOSE like a man and keep your fucking trap shut or accept you loss and raise your hands in defeat.

I walked past him while cursing those four in a faint voice. The truth is that my sides hurt like hell, so I didn't feel like doing more than muttering.

After minutes of walking, I arrived home. I opened the door and went inside. I took my clothes off and went straight into the shower. Warm water fell on my back and head. I could feel the typical sting of water making contact with an open wound. I had a small cut on my scalp. I washed it and continued with the rest of my body.

Once I got out, I looked at myself on the mirror. I had bruises EVERYWHERE. The ones on my shins and sides were already black. The kick I had received on the chest was turning black as well. All in all, I HAD gotten a thorough beating. Luckily my face and arms were relatively unharmed, so the evidence of my damage wouldn't be easily visible. I got out of the shower and went into my room. I put on some clothes and went to bed.

The next morning, my dad saw me playing videogames on the living room.

"You weren't here when I left last night. At what time did you get in?"

"I don't know. I just went into the shower and then to sleep."

"Well, there was a scuffle eight blocks from here. They called the police after some nut job beat four kids who were hanging out late."

I chuckled and felt my nerves light up like a Christmas tree with pain.
"Maybe those little fuckers deserved it..."

He looked at me for a long while. I pretended not to notice, but his piercing stare was such that I couldn't concentrate and I got killed in the game. He didn't say anymore, didn't pry anymore and didn't mention this to my mother, but for a long time, every time I went out, he regarded me with a stare.

As an adult, I can't help but be thoroughly amazed at how lucky I was to even make it out in one piece. The memory of all that pain has never EVER faded from my memory. It's burned into my memory and that experience with dealing first hand with what goes on in the streets first hand has proven to be a VERY valuable experience. It taught me a VERY important lesson in self preservation, adaptability and the limits of my own body. But that's just the relatively unimportant stuff. What it really taught me was to BE CAREFUL. To NEVER take anything for granted and NEVER again to jump into something without assessing the possible consequences.

As for the broomstick that I picked up, I still have it and never plan on parting ways with it. It may be silly sentimentalism on my part, but I felt that such a fine piece of wood should stay in my hands.

Jentastic vs. the Bag of Poop

I've always sort of been a medical freakshow. Anything that can go wrong will, and has. Last year, I had all sorts of weird things going on that couldn't be directly attributed to my already-diagnosed chronic health issues. After upping my medications didn't work, my gastroenterologist (who is an awesome guy) decided that it was time for more testing. I shall let this song from the phenomenal musical episode of "Scrubs" explain the situation:


Yup. Stool sample time! I vaguely remember having done one in middle school when I had a parasite, but that was well over ten years ago. I set out for the doctor's office to get the equipment, planned on heading to my parents' house to knock one out (I had to pick up some other stuff there anyway), drop it off at a lab on my way back home, and be done with it. Nope. No such luck.

At the doctor's office, I picked up a prescription for the kit. I didn't know I needed a prescription for jars to poop in, but I guess it makes sense that I'd need specific instructions. There was a lab nearby where I'd gotten some bloodwork done before, so I went there next. The lab tech took the prescription, gathered the necessary materials, and told me I'd need to collect samples from three different times, with two containers each (the little plastic containers were filled with various liquids). Then one of those times, I'd have to fill a third container. Okay. Sure.

I proceeded to my parents' house. My father never fails me and I found a box of latex gloves, from which I grabbed four pairs. My piddly apartment was not outfitted for poop collection at that time, so I took a spare basin as well. Back at home, I cut a large garbage bag into strips, lined the basin with the first wide strip, and stuck it in the bathtub for when the spirit moved me/my bowels.

An hour or so later, it was go time. I ran into the bathroom, realized that I was worried about splatter, stripped naked, and squatted over the plastic-lined basin in my tub. This was one of those life-defining moments where I pondered how, exactly, I had wound up in that precise position. My life sucks. I did my thing, and then it was collection time.

The creators of this medical equipment should be shot for how ineffective it is. There was a plastic spoon attached to the inside of each lid, but it was TINY. I didn't want to dirty any of my actual eating utensils, so I sat there, spooning poop into a plastic jar scoop by tiny little scoop. It took at least 20 minutes to collect a sample and dispose of the leftovers. My life sucks even more.

This process was repeated twice more that evening and the next morning. To my credit, I kept the poop in the plastic bag the kit came with and stashed it in the cabinet so Husband wouldn't freak out. I also double-bagged all the garbage bag strips once I was done with them. I should also point out that I wrote my name and the date on each jar before I filled it. Sometimes I plan ahead.

It was time to make the deposit (har har har!). I had a prescription for another medication to fill, so my plan was 1) drop off the prescription at the pharmacy/grocery store, 2) drive two towns over to drop off the bag of poop, 3) return to the pharmacy/grocery store to get the pills and some needed food, 4) profit chill out for the rest of the day. I thought it was a pretty good plan.

So obviously, it was going to get fucked up. I drove to the store and wondered if I should leave the bag of poop (brightly labeled with the biohazard symbol) in the hot car or carry it in with me. I chose to leave it in the car. Naturally, there was a clusterfuck at the pharmacy when this woman with her forty screaming children didn't seem to understand that she actually needed a prescription for insulin and the pharmacists couldn't just give it to her. Super. I worried about the poop somehow spoiling out in the heat.

I finally gave them the prescription, went back to the car, and drove to the nearest lab location. I went inside, and despite the fact that NO ONE was in there, I was directed to have a seat in the (empty) waiting room. I was tempted to plop the bag of poop on the chair next to me, but I was well-behaved, and I kept it on the floor at my feet.

A lab tech finally came out from her cigarette break high-stakes poker game open heart surgery whatever it was she was doing and ushered me into a room. I handed her whatever paperwork I had and began neatly lining up the containers of poop on the counter. She asked for my insurance card and I gave it to her. "Oh, we don't take this insurance."

Whut.

Thanks to the one good bit of legislation our idiot former governor passed, I was back on Daddy's health insurance. And Daddy's insurance was a damn good plan. It was like the Cadillac of health insurance. And this bitch was telling me that she wouldn't accept it, or my bag of poop. In thinking back, I realized that I hadn't been to that lab company since switching insurance. Fuck.

I must have looked completely distraught, so the lab tech said she knew which labs took my insurance, and she had a list of locations/directions. I piled the poop back into the bag, and she came back with a photocopy and handed it to me. I looked at it, and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

The lab was literally across the street from my goddamn house. If I opened my curtains right now, I would be able to see it. What. The. FUCK.

I thanked her, and my bag of poop and I got back into the car and went back to the pharmacy/grocery store. I left the bag of poop in the car again, and picked up my pills and groceries without incident. Upon returning home, I brought the groceries upstairs, put them away, pooped again (I was sick, remember?), and then WALKED THE BAG OF POOP ACROSS THE STREET. As Husband pointed out, I should have just walked over there a few times to poop in their lab and saved a lot of hassle.

To satisfy your curiosity, the well-traveled bag of poop revealed I had c. diff in my colon. It apparently can pop up after a heavy dose of antibiotics, but I hadn't had any for at least 3-4 months before that. I told you, medical freakshow. Anyway, the angry little bacteria triggered a flare of my Crohn's Disease, and my colon then tried to eat itself, but once I was properly medicated, it was all good. I'm still trying to figure out who the real winner was, though.