It's heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere!

Behold, the book of porn!



That is a badass cover. As I had no input regarding it, I was terrified that it was going to suck and that the heroine would be portrayed with a stupid look on her face while her horrendously fake-looking boobs were on display, but this rocks.

As of right now, it's available in a variety of e-book formats - go here or here to check it out. It should make its way to Amazon for the Kindle soon. Also, there should be a paperback option available eventually, but it apparently takes longer to format for "real" books than e-books. (Whatever, you will pry my Kindles out of my cold, dead hands.)

Per the publisher's suggestions, I also got off my lazy butt and learned how to make facebook fan pages, so be sure to "like" both the book and my nom de plume!

Searching the Skies

Thea Landen

This is exciting! And now I get to feel even more pressure to finish the next pornbook! Um....yay!

I am being dead fucking serious right now

I do have a longer post planned out for a future date, but I've been distracted by other writing projects. To hold you over, I present you with a statement of absolute fact:

Were I not already married, I would seriously marry my brand-new humidifier. It is the most awesomest awesome that ever awesomed. No joke. We would merrily wed and live happily ever after.



My boobs are bigger in real life.



Idiot Adventure Volume Two: "I've escaped the bums, but I'm in front of a dog infested street... I don't think I can go back the way I came..."

So, I had escaped from the homeless and the cholos (gangsters)... But a new ordeal was in front of me and while my initial dumbassity had died back there, I was then in deep shit. So deep in fact, that that night is now one of the most awesome and dangerous adventures I have ever had... And it was ALL brought upon myself by... myself!

Okay, there I was, in a narrow street, with cars parked in front of the houses, trees that had grown tall and had thick foliages. During the day, I'm sure they'd have looked quite nice, but at night, with me scared shitless and the dread of seeing open gates, it only made for an even scarier picture. The brightest light was from the lamp posts that illuminated a rather narrow area below them. Imagine a spot with light, then almost pitch black. Then another light, then darkness.

I walked in, because I was sure the cholos were still looking for me and going back there would spell a major ass kicking or maybe death if one of them felt like it, or had a little slip. In I went. Into the realm of the dogs. The first block was silent. Nothing came out. The second was silent as well and nothing came out either. I noticed there was a trashcan full of rubbish. I noticed something long coming out of it, pointing upwards I had been looking for something to use as a weapon. Finally, I found a semi decent implement. A stick! I walked to the trashcan and pulled it out. It was an old mop. It smelled to high hell, but hey, a weapon is a weapon, right?

I placed the mop against the edge of the sidewalk and kicked the lower part in order to remove the head of the mop. The crack was loud. Even louder in nearly complete silence. I felt scared someone would come out or even worse, a dog would notice me.

Nothing.

I swallowed a bit of saliva to moisten my dry throat and walked away with my new weapon. My nerves were killing me. It REALLY sucked, but I had to take it as it came. After all, it I was already in a mess.

My feet kept taking me farther and farther along those dimly lit streets. My shins hurt like hell after those kicks and so did my sides, right shoulder and head. All of that pain began making me feel anger. Anger at the fucker that kicked my ass and anger at myself. All of that went into walking. I came upon an open area. If I continued in the same direction, I would go into a pitch black zone. Same type of street, only even darker. To my left was an unused block. Dirt, dry grass and stuff covered it. The decision was simple. Going through the unused block was easy. I decided to take the sidewalk instead of cutting through the block, since there was tall grass and something could be hiding in it. I know snakes are fond of those places and some are very, very poisonous here.

Being cautious paid off. There I didn't come across anything by walking through that route... or NOT... There was an abandoned car that looked well from the side I approached it, but on the right, it was destroyed. There were no doors and there were a pair of stray dogs inside... WOW, WHAT LUCK! Both of them barked at me and when they did, I started hearing more barking coming from nearby houses. So much for silence.

I retreated a few steps while brandishing the stick as a makeshift sword in an effort to scare the dogs away. No luck. I was inside their territory and they were not letting up.

One thing dogs and wolves have in common is that they're canines, right? Well, they also have similar patterns for hunting. They began to circle me, trying to get in a blind spot from which to attack. They got to my sides as they growled. I couldn't keep my eyes on both at the same time, so inevitably, attacking one meant an opening for the other. Seeing I had no choice, I decided to take the initiative. I went for the one on my left and tried to hit it. It dodged, but I heard loud clicking sounds I knew well. The nails of the other dog as it ran towards me.

If there is something that videogames taught me is that the best way to avoid a linear attack is to move in a perpendicular trajectory. I had put that in practice several times at school when avoiding balls, paper projectiles and other assorted things flying in my general direction.

As I moved away, the dog passed me and gave me its back. I hit it with the stick on its right hind leg, causing it a lot of pain. I knew because the squeal was loud and high pitched. The second dog stopped, but still kept growling at me and showing me its teeth.

I walked away in the direction I needed to go, but still kept my eyes on it as I showed it the stick I had used to hit its companion. After a certain distance, the dog no longer tried to follow me, but it was too late. The whole street had its dogs awake. Loud barking from dogs in the backyards, gardens or... that place where cars go. I kept on walking for a long time and FINALLY came upon an important street. It was absolutely deserted. Only the stores had their lights on, but only so a burglar breaking in would be easily spotted.I kept on walking and walking. Stores and more stores. Closed but lit. At least I wasn't going to be surprised by something coming at me. There were also no cars parked, so it was pretty easy to walk by.

I came upon a park. Another residential area was ahead, but the street I was on marked the separation from that residential area and a commercial one. I decided to keep taking that route since I didn't want to run another of those risks.

The street was perfectly lit. No signs of any more dogs, but I was not going to part with that stick I had gotten. Not having a need for it right then did not mean I wasn't going to need it later on. I kept walking and walking for around 30 minutes maybe. Then I saw three tall guys. talking near a car that was parked close to a house and a small store. They had broken one window and had looted it. I saw them, so that made me a target for another asskicking. I had two options. Fight or flee. My later brushes with larger opponents had left me with a tremendous aversion to risk, so my choice was flee.

In order to see if they were going to let me walk away I decided to keep my pace, but kept my ears ready for the sounds of footsteps. I hoped they wouldn't follow me, but my luck had run out a long while ago. They were walking after me. I hastened my pace and so did they. I began running. They did the same.

More in part three.

Idiot Adventure Volume One: "HEY, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND IT'S 12 AM! LET'S GO BACK HOME! ON FOOT!"

When adults say teenagers are reckless, they lie. They're not reckless. They're stupid. PLAIN FUCKING STUPID. At least many of the ones I knew and even myself. I won't lie, I did MANY idiotic things. I was a fast runner (still am, actually), so I thought that if I got into a shitty situation, I could either fight my way out or run away.

This happened one february 8. I had just turned 18 a few days ago and was officially an adult. What do many kids think when they reach age majority? That's right! They think that they're adults!

Well, let's be frank... They're not. Many of them have their heads right in the middle of their childhood or are too dumb to do something as basic as MEASURING THE RISKS AHEAD!

I learned that all on my own that night and believe me, the cost was free because a) I'm still alive and b) I'm still complete.

So the setting of the Idiot Adventure Volume One is this:

A few friends had invited me to a party they were throwing. They were WAY older than me. One of them was 27, another was 29 and the other was 33. In retrospect, they were among the most idiotic people I have ever befriended.

So, they will be referred to by their personalities... Not their names.

27 year old will be referred to as Creepy Otaku. For those of you that don't know what that is, it's a guy that focuses so strongly into anime and stuff that they abandon every other interest and even begin seeing things in those terms...

29 year old will be referred to as Scary Lolicon. A lolicon is a type of person that has a... rather... particular interest to... You know what? Fuck this. Here's the Wikipedia article. Read it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lolicon

33 year old will be referred to as THE DRUNKARD. Why? Because he really was one!

So, these guys were having a hangout and I was a neophite to the world of "being an adult". And we all know that being an adult means "I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and how I want", right? Right.

WELL, NO!

So, I went to this party. The evening was spent watching movies. Batman, Batman Returns, then Creepy Otaku pulled the original Ghost in the Shell movie (that movie is cool, by the way) and we watched it. Then he started philosophizing as if he understood the mind of the director... "Uh... what?" I asked myself. The themes of "What does being human mean?" and "The aglomeration of memories and feelings that constitute an individual" were lost on my companions' minds and instead, they began asking themselves "Why are we here?" and "If there is a god, why did he make us like this?" Mmmmmkaaaaaay, that discussion definitely didn't interest me one bit. Also, it was late... 11:43 when I checked the clock on the wall. I wanted to go home. Of all of us, the only one with a legit license to drive was none other than Drunkard. And he was out cold. Creepy Otaku was more than tipsy, so he was also out for the count. Lolicon was... well... let's just say he wasn't a driver. Not after the moron crashed his car against a lamp post and the sheer trauma left his mind scarred for life and couldn't sit behind the wheel. I don't blame him. Here's where the dumbassity really begins (look! I made a word myself!)

Because I'm so awesome, I will make a new entry for this word:

Dumbassity: Similar to Idiocy, only worse...

I decided to go back home. On foot. After all, I was finally an adult, and as an adult, I get to walk at night through the fucking city, right?

RIGHT!

And so I did. I bit farewell to Lolicon because the other two were asleep in a rather compromising position, which I have to add, was my idea.

And so, I went out of Drunkard's place... to my journey home...

My eyes looked at the nearly deserted streets. The only lights came from lamp posts. I was in a common residential area. I took a right, intending to go to one of the main avenues to walk in the general direction of my house. Three blocks later, I came to the realization that... it was blocked. A very tall wall had been built. It wasn't there the year before.

The wall wouldn't stop me. Why? Because it was an inanimate wall, of course! So what did I do? One of the following:

1.- Go back and look for another way
2.- Climb it and jump down

If your guess was 2, you're damn correct!

I wasn't going to let a stupid, shitty wall stop me! I climbed a nearby tree and jumped on top of the wall... What happened next? I didn't fall, actually. I landed on the rather thin wall and then climbed down. Well, more like hung from it and then dropped down. That was the second error. The first one was going back on foot.

The scenery totally changed. From a middle class neighborhood, I entered into an abandoned industrial area. There was a manufacturing plant. What they made there, I dunno. Soon, however, I would learn that in abandoned plants, gangs and similar types of people make their meeting places. Sometimes even homes.

I dropped down on the back parking lot of the plant. Very tall shutters lined the even taller walls of that building. The place smelled of feces and urine. Animals don't gather in those places to do that. Humans do. So, I started walking by the reconnoitering the place, looking for a way out. The right end was blocked by a tall fence with barbed wire at the top. No way I was going to come out unscathed from that, so back I went. To the left was another fence with the same characteristics, but the ones that used that parking lot as their urinal and dumpster had made a hole in the fence. I used it to get out.

I kept walking in a dimly lit, paved road next to the main building. The first thing I saw were homeless people more or less sleeping. A few eyed me, others ignored me, but one old man looked at me and stopped me. "What are you doing here?"

My first reaction was... stutter. "E-Eh, excuse me, I'm just..."

"Pretty shoes..." he told me as he looked at my feet. Then he raised his gaze and looked straight to my own eyes. "Why don't you give them to me?" Then he grabbed me by the sweater and pushed me against the fence. Another old man walked towards us and said "What the fuck are you doing?"

My initial reaction was very, very simple. I freaked out. My right knee rose and impacted what could only have been his family jewels, for his pained expression was completely different from his menacing look of a few seconds earlier.

By the time he got out of his surprise, I was in full run, not wanting to find out if the other old man was trying to defend me or screw me over instead of the first.

As I ran, I passed more homeless people. No one bothered me, despite being completely awake, so maybe that one was the bully of the group, who knows. Soon, though, my situation would take a turn for the worse.

As I got out of the more or less narrow road, that barely accomodated a bus sized automobile, I came out on the frontal parking lot. It was a building of three floors where cars used to be left temporarily. Now, plastic and cardboard walls partitioned the place inside, separating it so that there was sort of a building within that building.

A guy saw me. He was young, his head was shaved and had a goatee. His face had a few scars, probably from fights or something.

"Where do you come from?" He rudely asked.

"I'm... from /insert area name/"

"WHAT!? YOU FROM /insert gang name/"

I had heard of that gang. They hung around a place close to my home, but they didn't really mess with my neighborhood. Some idiots hung out with them, and even were junior members of that gang. They used to go brawling with other local gangs and some were absorbed, some weren't. In the last two years, that little gang had kinda gotten big enough to feel all strong and go pester some of the big ones. Apparently, the area I was in was affiliated with one of those big ones.

"YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS BEAT MY BIG BROTHER!" He was apparently making me responsible for whatever had happened to his older brother. The guy never gave me a chance to respond and then his fists lodged themselves in my stomach. Quite the quick hitter, he was.

I bent over from the pain and the sudden feeling of having the air inside punched out.

"You came to see what we were gonna do to yours, huh?" He kneed my head. It really hurt. Next, he kicked me on the left side, where his right fist had first hit me.

I was on the ground and he then kicked my shins, but when he was preparing for giving me a third kick, I immediately noticed he was balancing himself on only one leg as he prepared his right to kick me again. I kicked him on his left shin. The floor, covered by broken concrete blocks was not a good place to stand. Imagine standing on very small marbles. He fell on me, and hit his face with my shoulder, despite trying to land on his legs. I got him off me and kicked him on the stomach and then ran.

As I put distance between that guy and myself, a few other guys saw me and yelled at me to stop or they were going to kick my ass. After getting an ass kicking earlier, I didn't want to risk another one. I ran and ran and ran. I don't remember how many blocks I ran with those two or three guys in tow, but it must have been no more than five. I entered another residential area. This one had narrow streets and some open gates. If there is one thing I have learned from those areas, is that they mean one thing: Loose dogs.

And among the many things that scare me, one of the biggest are... precisely, loose dogs...

More in part two.

Movie Review: Black Swan (or, Everyone Wants to Play With Natalie Portman's Vagina)

(There are probably spoilers in here. And I know I'm a year behind the times. I could not possibly give less of a shit.)

I'll start off by pointing out the obvious - this movie was fucked up. I knew going in that it was fucked up...rest assured, it is. It is, indeed, fucked up. Whether or not that's a good or a bad thing has yet to be completely decided.

Natalie Portman is a ballerina. She's really good, but the foreign dude who runs the ballet company, Thomas (pronounced ToMAHS, of course, 'cause he's foreign), sort of thinks she has a stick up her ass. It was likely put there by her overbearing, sorta-creepy mother.

ToMAHS has decided to open the new season with the classic Swan Lake, and he's decided to pick one dancer to portray both the pure, virginal White Swan, and her slutty twin sister, the Black Swan. Natalie Portman, with the stick up her ass and everything, makes an awesome White Swan, but ToMAHS isn't convinced she's slutty enough for the slutty swan. While she's auditioning, Mila Kunis pops into the studio, banging the door open and disrupting Natalie Portman. The Exposition Fairy has already stated that Mila Kunis is fresh off a plane from California and is there to replace the ancient, elderly, old and dried-up Winona Ryder. Mila Kunis has a "fuck it" attitude and has a number of highly visible tattoos. Edgy.

Natalie Portman desperately wants to be the Swan Queen and she goes to ToMAHS to beg for the role. He reminds her of that stick up her ass, but then goes to make out with her. As he tries to suck her face off, she bites him - a move I approve of wholeheartedly. He tells her that he gave the role to another dancer, but surprise! Natalie Portman is the Swan Queen and everyone congratulates her, even though they're obviously jealous and sort of hate her.

ToMAHS brings her to a fancy schmancy event to introduce her to the world. Mila Kunis rips off her thong in the bathroom and that crusty prune Winona Ryder makes a scene. Natalie Portman is invited back to ToMAHS's apartment, where he makes her blush by asking her about sex. He gives her a homework assignment: go home and touch herself. I clearly went to the wrong kinds of schools (though I do touch myself like a champ!).

Creepy Mother is waiting for Natalie Portman and creepy stuff happens. The latter wakes up the following morning and decides to do a little homework. This homework is, of course, playing with her vagina. She could have been wearing less clothing, if you ask me, but it's still kind of hot. Just as she's about to blow her ladyload, she looks over and sees her mother sleeping in the corner. CREEPY.

Back at rehearsal, the stick has not budged from her ass, in ToMAHS's opinion. He catches her watching Mila Kunis and tells her that while Mila Kunis is not as precise as her, her dancing is more free and emotional and all that bullshit. Later on, he wants to rehearse *privately* with her. Sure enough, he kisses her again and he tells her to open her mouth and let his accented tongue inside. She obliges, and he gropes her heavily, making his way down to playing with her vagina. Just when she's all hot and bothered, he pushes her away and walks out on her, telling her that she needs to seduce him next time, but with her dancing, of course. The fragile Natalie Portman is not cool with this and calls after him, to no avail.

Now, Natalie Portman's batshittery has been apparent basically since the beginning of the movie. She scratches at her skin, so Creepy Mother cuts her fingernails very short. She'd hallucinated peeling the skin of her fingers OFF, and other crazy shit like her doppelganger stalking her and her reflection in the mirror doing stuff she is not. It's only going to get worse from here.

Mila Kunis shows up at the home of Natalie Portman and her Creepy Mother, and even though Creepy Mother does not like the idea of her little girl playing with strangers, Natalie Portman ignores her, grabs her shit, and leaves with Mila Kunis. Mila Kunis does her damndest to remove the stick from Natalie Portman's ass; it proves to be very difficult, so she just slips a drug in her drink. They go clubbing and dancing and talk to men and other SCANDALOUS things, until Natalie Portman's poor brain can't take much more, and the two ladies hop into a taxi.

What happens in the taxi? If you guessed "Mila Kunis plays with Natalie Portman's vagina," you would be correct. They return home, where Creepy Mother is rather annoyed, and Natalie Portman does everything short of telling her to go fuck herself. Creepy Mother is ranting and raving, but Natalie Portman grabs Mila Kunis and they barricade themselves in the bedroom. Naturally, they start making out, and Mila Kunis heads straight for the pussy. It's a pretty good scene, but it could have used more nudity. Natalie Portman finally gets her long-awaited orgasm (all over Mila Kunis's face, which she has to wipe away in a totally classy manner) and falls asleep.

In the morning, Mila Kunis is gone. Tramp. Natalie Portman bitches out Creepy Mother for not waking her up on time and shows up late to rehearsal where, much to her dismay, Mila Kunis is filling in for her. She soon learns that when Mila Kunis was going down on her, IT WASN'T REAL AT ALL AND SHE IMAGINED THE ENTIRE THING. You know, I would take those drugs.

It's all downhill from here. Natalie Portman becomes convinced that Mila Kunis is trying to steal her role, and hallucinates all sorts of crazy shit that isn't nearly as awesome as Mila Kunis dining at her clam bar. We're talking people stabbing themselves in the face with a nail file, mirrors playing tricks on her, Mila Kunis and ToMAHS having sex where the latter turns into the villain from the ballet (I guess it's about time someone else's vagina was played with?), and her legs basically collapsing underneath her at all sorts of inhuman angles. I admit I may or may have not watched some of these parts through my fingers.

After more insane mindfucks with her mother, she wakes up in her bed. Creepy Mother is concerned about her daughter and she's called the ballet company to tell them that she isn't feeling well and can't perform. Natalie Portman is, naturally, ENRAGED by this and goes off anyway. She gets backstage and sees that Mila Kunis is dressed in the Swan Queen costume. Oh, girlfriend, no. Oh no you di-int.

Despite the fact that she even looks like she's lost her fucking mind, she convinces ToMAHS that she can perform and starts putting on the fresh, innocent makeup of the White Swan. She goes out on stage and...well, she sort of blows. She starts in with the hallucinations again and her partner drops her and ToMAHS is rather pissed off. While changing into the Black Swan costume in her dressing room, Mila Kunis shows up for some smalltalk. It doesn't end well, as they get into a catfight, try to strangle each other, and Natalie Portman stabs her with a shard of broken mirror. Except, wait! It wasn't Mila Kunis that she stabbed! It was HERSELF! Ohhhh, mindfuck...

After dragging the corpse into the bathroom, she goes to perform the Black Swan and as the dance progresses, she...turns into a black swan. Hokay. This is all in her head as well (obviously, as people don't turn into birds on a regular basis), but she is thoroughly satisfied with her performance as the Slutty Swan. To celebrate, she plants a steamy kiss on ToMAHS. He's not quite sure what to expect.

Back in her dressing room, Natalie Portman freaks out about the pool of blood that's starting to trickle out from beneath the bathroom door. She hides it with a towel (damn, CSI will never figure that one out!) and starts changing back into the White Swan regalia, when there's a knock at the door. It's Mila Kunis, alive and well. Ooooookay. Good for Mila Kunis! Natalie Portman is shocked, and once alone again, she checks the bathroom. It's empty. From the center of her fluffy, white, virginal Swan costume, she pulls the shard of glass out of herself. I bet dancing with that in kind of hurt.

Back on stage, she's brilliant, but all good things must come to an end and it's time for the White Swan to take a swan dive off a platform and kill herself. She gracefully falls back onto the appropriately-placed mattress, the ballet ends, and everyone rushes over to her to congratulate her. Except she's bleeding. Huh. Guess she really did stab herself. Ouch. ToMAHS is upset, asking her what she did to herself, and calling for medical assistance. Natalie Portman doesn't care, and murmurs about how she was finally perfect. The end.

Okay.

I'm not quite sure where to start. Visually, everything was great. The music was fabulous, of course; you can't argue with Tchaikovsky, accused pedophile though he may be. I've always enjoyed Natalie Portman and she really was brilliant in this role. I fully support every award she won for it. In the course of less than two hours, she went from "Oooh, my breakfast grapefruit is so pretty!" (seriously) to a psychotic bitch on wheels (or toe shoes, I guess).

Most of my problem comes from that progression, I think. The movie does kind of suggest that due to her mother and their desire for her to be perfect, she was on shaky ground to begin with, but to be honest, I felt her descent into madness was a little rushed and I wasn't thoroughly satisfied with the foundation it was built upon. As a result, parts of the movie felt gratuitous and unnecessary and over the top. I'm not quite sure if I'm buying what they're trying to sell.

Now, I'm not saying I disliked the movie...but I definitely didn't love it. It could have been a case where I heard so many great things about it beforehand that there was no way it was going to live up to my expectations. However, even if I had gone out and seen it in theaters (as I had been considering), I think my opinion would still be the same.

Mila Kunis, Winona Ryder, Creepy Mother, and ToMAHS were all great and completely believable in their roles. Again, I think very highly of Natalie Portman and I think she acted the hell out of this movie, so I think any problems I have come from the writing. You can argue with me that as a movie/form of entertainment, it's supposed to be outrageous and surreal and I'm supposed to suspend my disbelief...yes and no. Other movies have made me believe some crazy-ass things were possible, and "Black Swan" just didn't do it for me. It wasn't a bad way to spend an evening, but I definitely don't think I'd sit through it again.

Since this is a review, I think it's time for some boobs:

Natalie Portman's Orgasm Face:

9 boobs

Okay, that part I bought. And enjoyed. But again, it could have been more enjoyable if she had less clothes on.

Mila Kunis's Depiction of Eating Pussy:

9.5 boobs

Girlfriend looks good with her face between another woman's legs. If a drug was created where the user would consistently believe Mila Kunis was going down on him/her, it would make BILLIONS. This category missed out on the perfect 10 for the same reason as above.

Ye Olde Plot(e):

5 boobs

I can totally appreciate a "WTF?!" plot if done well. This one fell a little short. Boobs awarded for effort, boobs taken away for execution.

Mindfuckery:

 5 boobs

Obviously, there was plenty of fuckery to be had. But again, it would have fucked with my mind even more if it was more believable.

Overall, completely not mathematically-calculated at all, score:

7.5 boobs

It was better than average, but I had expected better than better than average. Check it out, but try not to spend the full price of a movie theater ticket.