Video Game Non-Review: Phantasy Star (Original Flava)

Once upon a time, many moons ago, there was a console called the Sega Master System. Alas, many people overlooked it in favor of something called a Nintendo, but the SMS had some pretty awesome games. In 1988, an RPG called "Phantasy Star" appeared, and lo! The world, it was rocked.

We start off in a town called Camineet on Palma, wherever those places may be. A young man has gone splat in front of what I promise are not Stormtroopers, as that is a different universe entirely.

"Whatever I did, it was a BAD idea."

This is Nero. He's going to be dead very soon. Before he kicks it, he tells his younger sister, Alis, that the king of their star system is evil and corrupt, and to go stop him from filling their world with evil and corruption. Learning from his own mistakes, he tells her to go find an ass-kicker named Odin, in the hopes that two of them will be harder to wipe out than his singular scrawny butt.

"Love me."

And here we have her. The serenely beautiful Alis Landale, who, with her spirit and determination, kicked off an epic series of video games. While the other children were playing with a duo of portly plumbers who jumped on and ate various mushrooms, little Jentastic actually had a decent role model on her television screen. In an age where most women in video games were relegated to the role of the demure healer or bouncing around the battlefield in little more than a string bikini, teenaged Alis got to save the world with some awesome swords and a pink dress that covered everything appropriately.

Okay, now that my little feminist rant is over with, we have some work to do. Namely, Alis has to find her teammates. Some exploration of the town leads to a warehouse with some meseta stashed in it and HOLY CRAP!!!

It's like I'm really there!

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. We have first-person dungeons. That are pretty complex and can lead to wandering in circles for hours. Not bad for 1988. Not bad at all.

Though Camineet is a pretty nice place, sweet Alis must eventually spread her wings and flip off the NotStormtroopers at the gates who tell her to stay put unless she wants to be mauled. Since she is mature and classy, she doesn't tell them to go fuck themselves, even though they just killed her brother, and she walks out onto the lush green plains of Palma.

It's dangerous beyond the hole in the wall.

Armed only with her brother's short sword, Alis ventures outside her home to try to find this Odin guy. The townsfolk had shared with her that he's from another town, Scion, so she merrily skips off to find him. But since this is a video game and we need to do stuff other than just walk around, danger lurks everywhere!

"Hello, Alis. My hit point/meseta ratio is quite good for this early stage of the game and you will want to kill an awful lot of me."

Alas, Odin is not in Scion, that fucker. Oh well, there are other things to do. We all know the drill for these types of games: kill things for money and experience, get stronger, buy cooler shit, and then figure out what to do next. After Alis spends some serious cash upgrading her equipment, she pesters a shopkeeper (who must have been the inspiration for the "you must ask me three times!" dude in the Austin Powers movies) and gets a roadpass that allows her to travel to the spaceport. Upon arriving on Motavia, the desert planet, she trades her pot (as in decorative vase, not mind-altering substance) for...

KITTY!!!!

Myau, a talking musk cat, doesn't waste any time and gets right to the point, thank goodness. He knows where Odin is, but that dumb shit went up against Medusa (?!) and was turned to stone. Myau has the antidote, but does NOT have opposable thumbs, so Alis grabs him and goes back to Palma to officially kick off her ass-saving career.

(And yes, Medusa really does appear later on, complete with mentions of Perseus and accurate methods of defeating her. How Greek mythology wound up in a futuristic star system, I'll never know, but hey! It's educational!)

"I went up against a giant powerful gorgon with little more than a cheap axe, my chisled good looks, and a companion who can't open a damn bottle. Derp."

Odin is appropriately thankful and humble and they get the hell out of the slimy cave. The cheap-ass iron equipment just isn't cutting it for them, so they wander around a bit, killing more things for meseta. Eventually, Odin can get a shiny new ceramic sword just like Alis (though she'll use it better) and he can stab things in the eye.

Eyes with wings, appropriately called Wing Eyes. Ew. Gross.

More stuff happens, but as I'm not going to summarize the entire game here, I'll skip the cake and the fucked-up nightmare and get right to the last of our cast of characters.

"What's under these robes? I'll never tell..."

Noah, the wizard, bitches Alis & Co. out for interrupting him (because he was SO busy living in the middle of a cave in the desert surrounded by spiders), but decides to join them after Alis waves a note from the governor of Motavia in his face. (One can only speculate as to the contents of the note. My interpretation: "Dear Noah: Stop fucking around in that cave and do something useful. And put on some pants while you're at it. Sincerely, The Governor")

Now that the party has been assembled, they need a better way to putter around Algol without the government's spaceships. They spring a scientist from prison (though he needs some convincing to leave his dingy cell...odd) so he can build them their own spaceship and then they go running all over Palma to find his pet robot so the robot can pilot said spaceship. Now it's possible to freely travel to all three planets in the system! Huzzah!

On second thought, parts of Dezoris look really creepy. Maybe we should have stayed home.

The spaceship helps things out tremendously, but there has to be better ways to cross both land and sea. Luckily, some digging around (sometimes in a pile of trash) gets us a landrover and a hovercraft. Win!

The sand lions in the desert will eat your fucking faces if you try to walk over them. Show them who's in charge by flattening them with your sweet ride.

Now, here is what makes this game truly one of the all-time greats, in my not-humble-at-all opinion: there's a whole lot of stuff to accomplish and you can do it in ANY order you want! (The manual even implies that you can beat the game without finding the four Laconian items, but...yeah, I wouldn't try that if I were you.) Do you want to finally seek revenge on Medusa, now that you're fully equipped with a Mirror Shield? Or do you want to go running through a morgue of zombies (ew) for some awesome armor? Maybe you want to go pay Noah's former teacher a visit and beat a better mantle out of him. It's entirely up to you!

The enemies are varied enough that the little amount of grinding necessary doesn't even feel like a chore. The two most expensive items in the game can take some time to buy (but hey, you can sell one for half its original price once you're done with it), but again, it doesn't feel like you're slogging through. And if you're the type to ignore the "Run" choice, if you fight every single enemy you encounter on your way to your various goals, you'll be in pretty good shape by the time you're done collecting all the goodies.

He'll never admit to it, but Odin definitely crapped his pants the first time he saw this guy.

Throughout Alis' adventures, the game does set up a lot for the future games (whether or not it was intentional, I don't know). We're briefly introduced to the native species of Motavia and Dezoris and while it is possible to have conversations with them, it's also possible to slaughter them for money and experience.

"In two thousand years, I will entertain you with terribly corny jokes and we shall be friends. But for now, get off my icy lawn before I shoot you in the head."

It's also interesting to note that for whatever reason, the green reptilian species lives on the ice planet and the blue furry species lives on the desert planet. Algol's got some curious evolutionary history on top of everything else.

"My heavy clothing keeps the sand out of my fur. But I'm not going to lie, I'm sweating to death underneath."

Once everything that needs doing has been done, it's time for the final showdown. I've tried hard not to include any spoilers in this post and I'm not going to start now. All I'll say is that the end of the game is quite a challenge, but that just makes it so much more rewarding when you're done.

It's a tower. On top of a hill. Surrounded by mountains and lava (not pictured). Clearly, this is going to be the setting for all sorts of epic badassery.

Okay, so I still can't write short summaries. Whatever, don't judge. But now that we have the basics out of the way, you might be wondering: why is this titled a "non-review"?

That's easy. I love this game so damn hard that I'll never say a bad word about it. I just can't be objective here. There are other games and series that I've loved, but at the risk of sounding overly cheesy, the original Phantasy Star will always have a special place in my heart. (Even though I have a cold, black heart of tar.)

Over 20 years later, everything about it still seems so magical. There are three huge worlds to explore, each so completely different, with vivid colors and pretty pictures and waves crashing on the beach that make you feel immersed in this fantasy (phantasy?) world. There's so much detail, from the sprites, to the portraits/cutscenes, to the different backgrounds depending on where you pull up the menu, it's incredible that the programmers got everything to fit on that one little cartridge.

As a snob with a music degree, my expert opinion is that the music in this game flat-out rocks. Again, it's amazing what they were able to accomplish and the limitations of the time are pushed as far as they can possibly go. From the heroic, inspiring overworld music on Palma, to Dezoris' more mellow, melancholy theme, it all wins in my book. The town music clearly tells you, "You are safe here" and the village music is appropriately quaint and charming. And from the music snob's point of view, the soundtrack really is quite complex, making good use of various time signatures, interesting key/mode changes, and so on.

I admit to having the attention span of a goldfish, and yet, I can (and have) happily replay this game over and over and over and over and over again. Part of it probably has to do with the aforementioned non-linear nature of the game: I don't think I've ever played through exactly the same way twice and it's something I really felt was missing from the other three games in the original series. (While I do enjoy PSIV very much and it probably ranks second on my "replayability" list for the series, I do completely understand the complaints that it's more like an interactive movie than a game.) Maybe because it's one of the games I grew up with (I didn't play the others until high school), but there's just something about it that's comforting in a way. Alis, the unlikely heroine, is going to save the world and nothing's ever going to stop her. She didn't stay at home and cry about everything that's wrong in her life, she went out and got shit done. We could all learn a lesson, I guess.

Oh, and just so we can call this an actual review:

EVERYTHING:

10 boobs. And then some.

"Honey, I'm a Pornographer"

So in my previous post I mentioned that I wrote a book. I did. It's not an epic novel of doom, more like a short novel/novella. The classy title for my chosen genre is "erotic literature".

I wrote a porn. And it's going to be published. We all have our talents, I suppose.

I wrote my pornstory, did my research, found publishers, put together my submission packets, was accepted by one, e-met my editor, and signed a contract. (Now we're editing. Hooray!) Then it was time for the fun part - telling people!

My e-friends knew I was writing a pornstory (and helped me out/provided emotional support at times), so naturally, I shared my news with them first. Out of the people I know in *real life*, I decided on going to one of my best friends (Tojo) first, as he's one of the few *real* people I've discussed my writing with, and back in the summer, we'd had a conversation about what words are sexy and what words are not. Besides, I realized that I hadn't spoken to him since July 31st, and I felt a little guilty for not checking to make sure he was still alive. (He does do some stupid crazy shit sometimes.) Not too guilty, though, as the phone works both ways and I have a cell phone and he doesn't, so as far as I'm concerned, we're both assholes for forgetting to check in every now and then.

No one picked up the phone at Tojo's my first try (he still lives in his mom's basement, the bum), so I tried again in an hour. Success! He's not lying dead in a ditch somewhere! I feel like less of an asshole now.

We shot the shit for a while before I chose to drop the pornbombshell on him. "You're the first person I've told!" I said to him. He was "tickled" (his word, not mine) and congratulated me on my successful porning and all that. We chatted about that for a while and then he asked THE question: "What does Husband think of this?"

"I, uh, haven't told him yet," I answered.

"What?"

"I figured I'd wait until right before it was published, in case something goes wrong. I told you that you were the first person I told!"

"When you said that, I thought you meant I was the first person outside your marriage."

"Yeah...no."

"Jen, I think you really need to tell him. I mean, you already signed a contract and everything."

Tojo did have a point. For the record, it's not like I was intentionally hiding my porning from him; I just sort of wanted to make sure it was a done deal before I had to have that conversation. I mean, how many people say they're going to do something and then nothing ever gets done? And what if I told him I'd written a (porn)book and it sucked and no one wanted to publish the contents of my filthy, filthy mind? I'd rather share triumphs than failures.

I waited until Friday evening in the hopes that he would be relaxed and not stressed about work or anything. I served some nice homemade minestrone for dinner and asked if he had a good day. He answered in the affirmative, so I told him that I needed to discuss something with him.

"I found another way to bring in a little extra money."

"You want us to make a sex tape?"

"No. But actually, it's almost along those lines. You know how I told you I write for my gaming websites and stuff? A few people have been writing original stories and trying to get them published and things like that, and I thought I'd give it a try, and...um...I wrote a book."

His reaction:



"And I signed a contract, I start working with an editor soon."

"I don't expect you to read it, it's really not your style."

(And here is where I admit I totally pussied out) "It's a romance. Sort of. But it takes place in the future. In outer space."

"...Okay, let's approach this from a different angle. You know those things made out of paper on that shelf over there? That have words on them and you sometimes look at them when you have a vacation from work? Those are called 'books'. They don't just appear out of nowhere. People have to write them."

"...How much did this cost you?"

(omigod, words!) "Nothing, I'm not an idiot."

"Good. <pause> So...is it, like, a big deal? To get a book published?"

"A lot of people think so, yes. If it were easy, everyone would do it."

"Okay."

(time to drop the other shoe, so to speak) "Since it's a romance, there's, um, some sex in it."

"Okay."

"Alright, a lot of sex."

"Alien sex?"

"No. There are aliens, but no one has sex with them."

"Oh, okay."

"By the way, because there's all this sex in there, I haven't decided if I'm going to tell my mother yet. And even though I know you tell your mother everything, please don't tell her this. Especially since she freaked out the other day at that bridal shower at work when all of her coworkers got the bride a box of stuff from the adult store."

"Okay. <pause> Is there anal sex in it?"

"No, I don't write about anal sex."

"Fellatio?"

*thinks* "Yeah, a little. Cunnilingus too."

"Any other kinds of sex?"

"Well...there's a threesome."

"Okay."

"After I'm done editing this one, I'm going to write another one. I have some more ideas. Do you want to hear about them?"

"I guess so."

"[the beginning of the story of what inspired my next work]"

"Wait...this doesn't have anything to do with me?"

"No."

"Then I don't want to hear it."

"Not everything has to do with you, you know."

"You should make your next Prince Charming play the ukulele, like me."

"No, I've already decided to make him an artist."

"He should play the ukulele."

"I don't WANT him to play the ukulele."

"But you should base him off of me. So everyone knows how much you love me."

*thinks quickly* "Our love story is so great, I don't need to fictionalize it or romanticize it. I wouldn't do it justice."

"Uh-huh." He finished his soup. "So do you want to go into the bedroom and act out some of the scenes from your book?"

"Sure. Should I go out and find another guy for our third?"

"I didn't mean that scene."

"Oh well. I have homework to do, anyway."

And that was that. Honestly, it went better than I thought. I didn't think at all that he'd be angry or anything, but I was worried that he'd be a little weirded out. But with him being bumped down to part-time at work and me back in school, I guess he really can't argue about the tiny bit of extra cash that may come in from this endeavor. And at least I'm just a pornographer and not a porn star. That conversation would have gone much less smoothly.

Retro game review: Valis III

This is a game I have both fond memories and a sort of silly story with.

Valis III is a game my brothers and I first found in a Blockbuster WAY BACK in 1994. My dad took us there to rent movies, but we didn't know they had games too.

So, among all of the Nintendo stuff, there was a Genesis section. Really? Like... there were other people that had a Genesis? We saw the games and there were several that appealed to us, but we didn't reach an agreement. My dad ALWAYS tried to have us reach an agreement, which was actually what I think caused a split between us.

Anyhow, from all of the games we saw, Valis III had the shittiest box art. I can't even remember what the box art looked like, but it was SHIT. Horrible, horrible shit.

I insisted to my brothers to rent it, but they weren't budging. So, I came with the idea to have them support my rent of Valis III, in exchange of letting them rent whatever they wanted two times in a row. Basically, we didn't share the same interests. They wanted some game with two fuckers. Oh, I remember the name now. Two Crude Dudes. That game was SHIT. Really, it sucked ass like nobody's business. Still, this is Valis III time, so back to it I go.

We rented the game instead of a movie and there we went back home. My dad wasn't so gung-ho about renting games. We already had games at home. Why rent more? Well, jeez... maybe because the games were different? DUH!? But try explaining that to a father that the only thing he watches on TV are documentaries, movies and occassionally a movie.

My brothers were kind of dissatisfied. They went for the box art for reference, but I went for the text behind. I was the only one with a marginal understanding of the English language, after all. Also, the game photos of games back in the 16 bit era sucked. You needed to have big pictures and the low resolution and quality of those pictures, mixed with the shitty graphic design of the box, only made things way worse. Oh, but they had to have a black background and a lighter grid. Sega's style sucked donkey balls. It also sucked donkey dick as well.

SO... I stuck the cartridge on the genesis and then the opening story began playing. I got to see the blue faced big bad King Glames (who I also assume had big blue balls in a healthy way) talking to a pretty looking fortune teller named Leigh. Babbling about the Dark World going pretty much to shit and that they needed to go somewhere else. Huh... Maybe King Big Blue Balls wasn't so bad after all...

After that introduction to give me motivation, then got treated to a backstory with pretty damn good artwork (even better, considering the limitations of the hardware's resolution) that told me the story of the first two games. After all, when Valis III was released in 1991, there were no other Valis games on the platform (a shitty version of Valis I got released later and so did an SD rendition of Valis II). Then I got to know a bit more of the protagonist, Yuko Aso. Basically, she was a common school girl that was summoned by the queen of Dreamland to fight for her people. She ended up facing her own friend from school, Reiko Kirishima in a duel, aaaaand she gutted her. Really. Dead, dead, dead. Afterwards, she faced the big bad, King Rogles and also gutted him. This was in the first Valis alone.

Years later, having obtained the first two games, I got to know that Reiko was being brainwashed and turned from a lonely girl into a badass murdering machine with a skimpy outfit (typical of 80s anime) for Rogles.

In the second, another king named Megas, went to Dreamland and started ripping people apart, concentrating on killing the remains of Rogles' army. Still, this guy was more effective, attacking Queen Valia's castle and ripping her a new belly button. WOW. Then, Princess Valna, as sole heir to the throne, well, was kind of forced to take over as the new queen... But that's not all! Following all of the typical tropes, it was revealed by Valia's aide/secretary/freaky-lady-with-pasty-white-face, that Yuko herself was... DUN DUN DUUUUUUN! Valna's twin sister... Really? Either Yuko didn't know the princess and NOBODY TOLD HER, or she never

saw her own face on the mirror. I weep for her personal hygiene...

Anyway, she kicked Megas' anus into oblivion and then... Valis III time. Because no (mildly) successful series is complete without it being a trilogy. Well, there's Valis IV, but that's more like its own adventure, despite being in the same universe as the others and some of the previous characters appearing. Too bad there were no more made...

After the backstory that took quite some time, a mini cinema with excellent animation for a Genesis game showing the three protagonists of this game (because Yuko is no longer alone), I got treated to the title screen with a great music and badass logo with gold, shiny AND animated effects. WOW.

Then, after pressing start, I got treated to a short cutscene when a girl with long ears AND a horn on her forehead (those impractical Japanese character designers...) pretty much watches Yuko sleep... YES! She's watching her sleep and muttering things to herself! The guy from Twilight was beaten in his hobbies by more than a decade in time... By a girl with a horn on her forehead... THAT FOREHEAD!!

Anyway, I pretty much beat the game. I returned it and NEVER GOT TO PLAY IT AGAIN... In part because my brothers didn't want to go to THAT blockbuster because it was too far, and because when I went there with my dad one last time, the game was not there anymore... FUCK!

Years passed, my childhood and adolescence ended and then I was an adult... That game ALWAYS remained in the back of my memories. I had a blast playing it. I'll be honest. The game controls aren't very precise and the heroines aren't very quick. Still, the game sports THREE different characters to play with and also sub-weapons like good old Castlevania. But that is not where it ends. Each character has her own version of said sub-weapons. There's variety right there. Also, the music is very well composed, varied and even catchy, especially in some stages, where I ended up falling into pits for concentrating on the music. I loved those tunes that much.

So, one day that I had money, I decided to go to one of the local open markets. Think of a mall, only it's with crappy stands and all sorts of merchandise. Legal or otherwise. Legally bought or not. It's pretty much a black market, since it's not regulated.

I walked through the stands that usually have games and looked them over. My intention was to buy whatever Super Nintendo game I could find. I found Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles In Time. A game I loved when I was a kid. It was kind of pricy for an old game, but I decided to make an exception. I went to a different stand and they only had Playstation 2 games for outrageous prices. Especially considering they were used. I moved on and kept walking. Minutes later, I found a stand I rarely saw open and decided to take a look. I saw some Genesis games and decided to browse. Splatterhouse, Decap Attack and some other games that I didn't really care about along with LOTS of sports games. Then, a blue label on a black cartridge. I read it and then I had a rush of adrenalin. Like the one you get when you find something you've looked for and get all happy and stuff.

THEN I remembered I was dealing with a bitch that would first observe my reaction and then raise the price.

My course of action was to shut the fuck up and go to the next cartridge. Some Madden game with NFL football. "How much for this one?" I asked her. I got a high price. Apparently, sports games sold for higher... Or she saw my response time was shorter when looking at that game. I lean towards the latter. "How much are the non sports games?" I tried to feign lack of interest. Like that of a window shopper. The price was around half. HALF. "Okay, I'll take this one." I pulled out Valis III quickly, revealing to her I had just dicked her with a ruse, paid for my game and got the fuck out of there.

That game I got two great games, but the Super Nintendo was not getting any attention that evening. No, sir. My Genesis got ALL of my time. Not the Playstation 2, not the Playstation 1. My Dreamcast was down for the count, since I hadn't gotten the parts to repair it then. My Genesis got all of those hours. After I got off the bus, I ran to my house, got in and went straight to my room. Connected the Genesis that had seen little use and stuck Valis III in the slot. The game worked perfectly. The music was still awesome and so were the graphics. The gameplay was just like I remembered and even better... That time, I had no obligation to return it to a far away Blockbuster. The game was finally mine.

NOW... After that most likely wall of text, let's tear at the game like I should have done from the beginning, shall we?

Valis III is a very, very, VERY straightforward game. With the D-Pad, you move to the left, right and crouch with down. Upon pressing up, the playable character looks up. Why? Other than this cosmetic thing, up seems to have no other functions... or does it? The answer is a resounding YES!

Up + Attack button allows the currently selected character to use a magic attack. These attacks can be one of many, depending on the item the heroines have in their possession. It can be flaming, flying knives that hover above the player's head and home in to the first enemy that appears on screen, a flash that damages every enemy onscreen or even a projectile that freezes the enemy it touches. As I mentioned, every heroine has a different similar version. Some are more useful than others for some situations. The other function Up serves, is to make jumps a little bit higher. There are some ledges and items that can't be reached with a normal jump, so those higher jumps come in handy.

Now, time for the boobs... or in more common terms, what I think is a good number to stick to a particular aspect of the game. Please, take this with not a grain of salt, but a spoonful of it. These are just my own impressions, and they may not be the same for you.

First up: The gameplay.

I talked about differences between the three heroines. They are quite different, all right. Yuko, being the central character is the balanced one in terms of speed of attacks. As you pick power ups, her basic attack range increases, while it becomes necessary to wait a little longer for the full range of her current level to be available. Still, the basic sword slash is always at your disposal. Thankfully, there is no moment of being defenseless. The reach of the wave that is "fired" from her sword is what changes. Her magic attacks are useful and have a decent coverage.

Cham, the girl with the horn on her forehead (dat horn) is a different case altogether. Her magic, while not crappy, has less coverage. When Yuko has a flash attack that pretty much kills everything onscreen, she fires five little projectiles. Left, right, up and up-left, up-right. Her attacks are the fastest, but her range never gets longer. She also uses a whip, which feels very much like the classic Castlevania games. Valna, the princess of Dreamland and Yuko's doppelganger that doesn't try to kill her, has the best magic attacks. They do plenty of damage and have the best screen coverage. BUT... since she's a mage, she has the shittiest basic attacks... SLOW and relatively short ranged. On the good side, while she attacks forward, she also fires a small projectile diagonally forward that can get an incoming enemy. Sweet, huh? She also dresses in robes... what the hell... To fight? In robes? Only those crazy magicians do that...

During the game, it is possible to change characters, so some extra exploration of gameplay possibilities is available that invites to more than a single playthrough, so those looking for replay value have that possibility in this game. No need to bitch and whine like those little pussies that I bet my ass in prison, knowing I will keep it virgin forever, that aren't above the mark of 16 solar rotations.

The bosses are all different, which is cool. The first boss attacks with a spiked flail that he throws forward and retrieves with a chain without ever touching the ground (that's videogame magic for you, fuckers!) or projectiles that cover a large portion of the screen, that you can defend against by attacking them.

The second boss is a dude that jumps into the water and comes back transformed in a dragon that... fires bubbles at you... Yes... bubbles. A bubble throwing dragon. What does it have in its stomach? Soap? Then there's the third boss, which uses fire and looks really cool as it hovers and shows his badass armor and more.

I give the gameplay: EIGHT boobs.

Now: Stage design.

The stages are varied and there are lots of pits to fall into (oh, joy!). They can be the typical go right, right, right, meet the boss of the stage and then kill him type of stage, or the climbing stage. Well, as far as climbing goes in an old school platformer anyway. There's even the almost seemingly obligatory ice stage with the slippery floors. Really, this is the most difficult stage in the whole game. One wrong move and it's a one way ticket out of the screen, via pit. Yes, the bane of platformers just got married... with slippery ice.

I give stage design: NINE boobs.

Coming up: Music.

The music is especially noteworthy. It's typically synthesized music (what else can one expect from the 16 bits era?). Still, it's all varied. The tracks aren't similar to each other and even have varying styles. The result of different composers, one of which, a lady named Michiko Naruke, has composed music for more games, namely the Wild Arms series for the Playstation consoles.

I give the music: TEN boobs. Why? Because I love it. Plain and simple. There is nothing more subjective than music appreciation... Well, maybe religion and law, but we're not going into an argument here, right? RIGHT?

And then the images: Graphics.

Graphics are a tad above average for games on the Genesis, with sharp graphics and easy to recognize blobs of pixels. The enemies don't mix with the background, making them disappear and take you by surprise, which is a good thing. There is only one exception, though. In the second stage, there is an enemy that is purposefully made transparent, with only the outline of its body visible. Still, if you pay a minimum of attention to movement on the screen, you can see it jumping above your head and landing behind you, with the intention of hitting you. The character animation is also very good. Visible especially in the human characters. Running animations are very, very nice. There are a few cinema displays that make use of anime style illustrations. They are sparse, but very, very well done. The character design is also very good, which makes it look even better.

Thankfully, instead of muscle-bound meatbags, we get girls in unreal situations like saving not one, but TWO worlds by themselves... YES! Nothing is more realistic than being a three-women army... with skimpy clothing... and using magic... and the main heroine wielding a magic sword... against an enemy that easily measures more than five meters (16.4 feet)... maybe more... and is the KING of the DARK WORLD. Fuckin' A, huh?

I give graphics: EIGHT POINT FIVE boobs.

And finally: The story.

This is pretty much a typical story. Common tropes here and there. For the third game, we get the originally reluctant heroine, now transformed into a responsible and determined young warrior (I cringe at the sound of those two words together) that has a goal. Saving the day. She is joined by a new friend (who has that HORN in the middle of her damn forehead) and her wimpy, but magically capable TWIN sister that she didn't know was her sister until the last game... Standing before them is a collection of enemies AND bosses that all fail after facing them in turns... In the end, the big, bad king dies... but as his dying wish, he asks the victors to take his people and adopt them as their compatriots... Really... I shit you not... Couldn't it have been easier and without bloodshed to ask the pertinent authorities to be taken in? YES! But then there would be no DRAMA! And we are whores for DRAMA!

As a result, King Glames goes on a conquest campaign, against the women who would have taken them all in in a heartbeat... GENIUS.

I give the story: SIX boobs for being so damn cliche. Still, I think I'll throw an extra boob only because the main characters not only receive the inhabitants of the dark world and make a country for them, the main heroine goes to return her magical sword and that of the big-not-so-bad-after-all and loses her status as a human... She becomes a goddes... A goddes that guards the Valis and Leethus swords... forever...

Well, until the next game at least...

Result: SEVEN BOOBS!

Now, because I'm a dick that hates IGN and their shitty reviews with biased scores, I will make an average of my own marks!

So...

(8.0 + 9.0 + 10.0 + 8.5 + 7.0) / 5 = 8.5

Valis III gets a total of EIGHT POINT FIVE boobs!

SUCK A DEAD DONKEY'S DICK, IGN! YOU FUCKING SUCK, YOU MATHEMATICALLY INEPT FUCKS!! A FUCKING AVERAGE IS AS EASY AS ADDING ALL THE GRADES AND THEN DIVIDING THE RESULT BETWEEN THE NUMBER OF GRADES! YOU SUCK ASS!! I HOPE YOU CATCH A FLU AND FEEL LIKE SHIT, YOU IMBECILIC CUNTS THAT GET BRIBED BY GAME COMPANIES TO GIVE THEIR SHITTY GAMES GOOD SCORES!

FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU ALL!!! AND FUCK YOUR PETS TOO!!!

Classy Hussy: Death By Blowjob

"You should write a book!" my college friends used to tell me. (Actually, I did write a book, but it wasn't autobiographical, but that's a different story for a different day.) Apparently, the crazy, vaguely slutty things I did are highly entertaining for a lot of people, so that'll be the Classy Hussy section of this blog.

I promised this story first, and I am a classy hussy and I do my damndest to keep my word. Let's set the scene: I am an adorable and eager 21 years old. I am a senior in college and it is time to start student teaching. I have a fairly cute haircut. Life is pretty good.

The week before I'm supposed to officially start student teaching, I show up bright and early at the school to meet my supervisor. Having parked at the wrong end of the building, of course, I merrily trot allllllllllllllllll the way down to the correct classroom...and stop dead in my tracks, for I am greeted with a delicious example of pure masculinity. I instantly fall in love and think to myself "Holy shit, I hope this is not my supervisor. I won't be able to concentrate on a damn thing for the next seven weeks."

The universe smiles upon me and Hottie is not my supervisor, so I can breathe a sigh of relief. I meet my actual supervisor and we instantly hit it off. This is going to be a great experience, I can tell. The addition of Hottie to this requirement for graduation/certification is one hell of a bonus. I'm normally not an ass girl, but let me tell you: this ass was an absolute thing of beauty, sculpted by some higher power who wanted to share a blessed gift with us mere peons.

I'm brilliant and talented and charming and things go spectacularly well at the school. Everybody LOVES me. There is no shortage of men, ages 15 - 50, undressing me with their eyes (and as I'm an attention whore, I love this). Several students turn into a drooling mess any time I get too close. Supervisor tells me I am far better-looking than his previous student teacher, but he's happily married. Another teacher goes to compliment my hair and instead of calling it "exotic", he has an epic Freudian slip and calls it "erotic". A visiting lecturer stops me in the hallway to tell me that while he, too, is happily married, he thinks I am beautiful and just wanted me to know. I share all of this not to toot my own sexy horn, but to illustrate how UNBELIEVABLY FRUSTRATING it is that Hottie is refusing to acknowledge that I am a hot 21-year-old piece of ass parading around in front of him in tight sweaters and fuck-me heels. The nerve of some people.

It is no secret among nearly everyone I know that I want to nail this guy, and badly. It probably comes up at least once a day. All sorts of people start giving me advice, from my good friend and then-roommate Dr. ManDiva, to my college adviser's husband (which is a little weird, if you think about it). "He should be an underwear model!" says my former roommate after meeting him. Even my lesbian friend acknowledges his attractiveness and yells at me for not making out with him in my car.

So the semester is gradually coming to a close and after a school function one Wednesday night, me, Hottie, Supervisor, and OtherGuy go to the bar that is around the corner from the school (good city planning, that). I'm nearing the end of my second beer and the bartender comes over to cheerily ask if I want another one. I hesitate and Supervisor laughs and pours the rest of his beer into my glass. "If I drink this, I have to stay here until I can drive, and if I do that, I can't promise you I'll be at school at 7:30 tomorrow morning," I say.

"Who cares?" is his response.

With that bit of encouragement, I eventually lose track of the number of beers I drink. I go to the bathroom and when I come back, Supervisor and OtherGuy are talking about boats, which bores me, so I hop up on a bar stool next to Hottie (who had previously been talking to some other guy he knew). We're laughing, we're giggling, my hand is on his arm...then on his leg... what can I say, I know how to work it. Somewhere in here, Supervisor switches from buying us all beers to...shots of scotch. Straight up. Oh shit.

I think I only manage to choke down one burning shot before Supervisor and OtherGuy decide they want to play a round of pool. Hottie and I are split up and put on their teams (and I honestly can't tell you whose team I was on), but we are essentially useless when it comes to the game and prop each other up in the corner as the other two play. The game ends and Supervisor, who we then realize has only been buying the drinks and not actually DRINKING them, says he needs to leave and happily bids us farewell.

OtherGuy and I are in no state to drive. But wait! We suddenly remember that Hottie lives two buildings down from the bar! Yay! We explain that we can't drive yet and ask if we can hang out at his apartment for a bit; he generously agrees to this idea.

We make our way to Hottie's apartment* and upon entering, OtherGuy proclaims he needs to use the bathroom and goes to do just that. Hottie and I find ourselves standing in the middle of his living room, and before I know it, we are eagerly kissing each other. I am in love with my life right now. This is freaking awesome! Kissing leads to some light groping and fondling. Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to report that that amazing specimen of a perfectly-formed ass felt as good as it looked.

I pull away from him to say, "OtherGuy's going to come out of the bathroom any minute" just as OtherGuy comes out of the bathroom that minute and we do the sitcom-y jump-away-from-each-other move. I wait to see what happens next.

What happens next is...unexpected. OtherGuy finds a trombone lying around and Hottie pops in a jazz CD and they have an impromptu jam session as I sit on the couch pondering this turn of events. Huh. Okay. Hottie eventually loses interest and comes back to the couch, where we proceed to get all snuggly as OtherGuy continues to play the trombone in the kitchen. For some unknown reason, Hottie decides to grab his laptop and check his email, but between the amount of alcohol he consumed and the presence of my tongue in his ear, he is unable to remember his password and abandons this plan.

OtherGuy finally grows tired of the trombone and Hottie jumps up and says, "I should give you guys the grand tour!" It's not a huge apartment, so this doesn't take very long. As we're returning from the second bedroom/storage area, I elbow OtherGuy in the ribcage and give him THE LOOK. He correctly interprets the meaning of THE LOOK ("dude...get the fuck out") and takes his leave.

Back to the couch, where we waste no time in getting back down to business. Suddenly, I find myself on top of him, straddling him. Sweet! Then I'm sliding down his body! Wheeee! Then I'm on my knees between his legs and we're unzipping his pants and I'm devouring his cock as if I were dying from a terrible illness and the only cure was his spooge sliding down my esophagus.

It was a damn good blowjob, if I do say so myself. The music was still going, so I got into a nice rhythm, I was reaching in his pants and around to grab the Ass of Glory, and, well, he wasn't really all that big, but that's okay, as it just made it easier for me to deep-throat him. Some things I'm good at, some things I'm not; this falls into the former category.

As I have done this *cough* several times before, I know the end is approaching. Three things happen in the space of about two seconds: he yells, "Oh shit!", comes in my mouth, and...passes out. Out cold.

I straighten up and sit next to him on the couch. I say something to him and there is no response. Hmmm.

*poke*

...


*poke poke poke*


...


*poke*

Oh god, I killed him. At least that's what I'm thinking in my current state, though the thought that I was in a strange place with a dead body with his junk hanging out does sober me up considerably. I don't know how to accurately check for a pulse, so that's out. I debate going into the bathroom and calling Dr. ManDiva for help/advice, but before I can do that, I'm finally able to notice that Hottie is breathing. Okay, that's good.

But now what? I walk around the apartment a bit. I turn off the stereo. I go pee in the bathroom. I look at my watch and know there's no way I'm making that first period class in the morning. Finally, Hottie opens his eyes and I breathe a sigh of relief. He regains consciousness just long enough to zip up, take out his contacts, tell me to drive home safely, and fall onto his bed fully-clothed. This time, there is no waking him, so I make my way home. The icing on the cake? When I get there and start getting ready for bed, I look in the mirror and see that I have semen on my upper lip. Fuck my life. (Dr. ManDiva has never let me live that one down, by the way.)

I wake up at about 8:00am, decide that breakfast sounds like the worst idea in the world, shower, and get to school by the end of second period. Supervisor laughs at me and helpfully takes over all my classes (which was the least he could do, considering this was ALL HIS FAULT). Hottie acts perfectly normally, but then tells me at the end of the day that he has no recollection of anything that happened after leaving the bar with me and OtherGuy. I suspiciously raise an eyebrow, but decide not to push it.

I realized it then, but I realize it even more now, having spent several years in the public school system - holy hell, I could have gotten him into a shitload of trouble, especially as he was an untenured teacher. I did go out drinking with these people a few more times over the next few months and I did learn that he does occasionally black out after drinking too much, so it is possible that he wasn't feeding me a line of bullshit. Whatever, it was a fun, crazy night regardless, and I choose to believe that my oral skills are just so damn good, they make men completely lose consciousness in a wave of blissful ecstasy. Yeah. I'm sticking with that story.

* Okay, a little addendum to this story. About four or five months after this, we all (plus a few others) wound up at the same bar and some people were thinking to go back to Hottie's place again (a bit more sober), but no one was actually getting up to leave. OtherGuy and I decided to bravely lead the way, so we started heading in the direction we think is right...and walk straight into a fence. "Didn't we come this way last time? Was this fence always here?" we asked ourselves. Hottie assured us that the fence had always been there. OtherGuy and I realize that we have no recollection of walking from the bar to Hottie's that night. I guess we all did have more to drink than we thought. Oops.

Movie Review: The Wings of the Dove

I should preface this very first movie review by saying that I am not a movie person. At all. I've seen very few of "the classics". I haven't even been to see a movie in a movie theater in about a year and a half. I have the attention span of a goldfish and raise a fishy eyebrow at the idea sitting down and devoting two-ish hours of my life to staring at a screen.

But I do sometimes watch movies. And thanks to Netflix, I've actually been seeing more of them. I'll admit that I usually prefer lighter stuff so I can multi-task and knit while watching (that whole attention span thing), but I do sort of love darker movies as well.

Onto the stuff that people actually care about. So I had a glorious day to myself on Election Day and finally got a chance to sit down and watch "The Wings of the Dove", which I'd been meaning to do ever since it was made available on the instant streaming feature.

Plot (contains spoilers):

Helena Bonham Carter is fabulously dressed in London in 1910 (I think that's what the screen says). Superfine Linus Roache gets handsy with her in a train and I get jealous. They're in love, but HBC's richbitch aunt, who has taken her in and given her an omg!makeover! doesn't think Superfine Linus Roache is good enough for her and wants her to stop seeing him. Naturally, though, Richbitch approves of Lord Douchebag, because he has money. *sigh*

Less-Attractive American Friend shows up. HBC befriends her, and there's some stuff I didn't really pay attention to involving the two of them and Lord Douchebag. In a very almost-rapey scene, Lord Douchebag breaks into HBC's room in the middle of the night, and after touching her in a very creeptastic way, he tells her that he's heard through the richbastard grapevine that Less-Attractive American Friend is dying. His grand plan is to ask her to marry him, get her to leave him all her money in her will, and then he can marry HBC, like he really wants. HBC manages to not to punch him in his smug face. She's a better person than I am.

Somewhere in all of this, Less-Attractive American Friend has caught a glimpse of Superfine Linus Roache and has instantly fallen in love with him. I am in full agreement with her judgement. Less-Attractive American Friend invites HBC to go with her to Venice and very very coyly suggests she convince Superfine Linus Roache to go along. This happens.

After flitting about Venice for a while, HBC gives her friend and her wannabe-fiance the stink-eye when they dance together at some sort of outdoor costume ball. Less-Attractive American Friend stops to do something else and HBC whisks Superfine Linus Roache into a dark alley. They make out and it's pretty hot. She gets the idea to steal Lord Douchebag's nefarious plan, but flip it around: Superfine Linus Roache will woo Less-Attractive American Friend, she'll leave HIM all her money, and he can finally marry HBC once she kicks it. This is seriously cold and depraved. I kind of love it.

HBC leaves Venice and Superfine Linus Roache gets to work. There is some light kissing, but nothing near the steamy intensity of the previous make-out session in the alley. Lord Douchebag shows up and tells Less-Attractive American Friend that Superfine Linus Roache has been banging HBC the entire time he's known her. She's upset and when Superfine Linus Roache goes to visit her, her servant begs him to tell her that it was all a lie. He's finally allowed to see her and he tearfully apologizes to her, culminating in a faceplant into her crotch. I'm a little jealous (though not of the sick and dying part).

Less-Attractive American Friend finally does die and Superfine Linus Roache gets a nice voice-over during her funeral montage. He goes back to London and HBC allows a few weeks to go by before she arrives at his place. They talk about how Less-Attractive American Friend did leave him her money, but he doesn't want it, and he's going to talk to his lawyers, and she tosses the notification into the fire, and so on. In the middle of this conversation, HBC goes into the bedroom and starts randomly getting naked. I approve wholeheartedly. In fact, the world could quite possibly become a better place if attractive people started randomly disrobing in the middle of serious conversations.

Superfine Linus Roache joins her and she takes his clothes off. YES. Since this is mainstream cinema, they don't show the goods, but it's enough to give me the crotchtingle. She mounts him and they fuck. I will assume that the fact that it lasted less than 30 seconds was due to time constraints and is not commentary on the skills of my beloved Superfine Linus Roache.

HBC slips off of him to cuddle and they engage in some pillow talk: He says he'll marry her only if he can turn down the money left to him. She agrees and says she should be allowed to have a condition of her own. She asks him to tell her honestly, right then and there, that he never actually had feelings for Less-Attractive American Friend. He...says nothing. Burn. Burrrrrrrrrn.

Plot:

7 boobs

The first half of the movie sort of dragged for me, but once HBC cooked up her scheme (and hotly made out with Superfine Linus Roache), it really picked up. And, as stated above, I appreciated the fucked-up nature of the nefarious plan.

Acting:

9 boobs

Do Helena Bonham Carter and Superfine Linus Roache ever not deliver? I almost threw in a bonus half-boob for Superfine Linus Roache being able to use his original British accent, but I took it away because Less-Attractive American Friend was a teensy bit bland. Richbitch aunt and Lord Douchebag were appropriately bitchy and douchey, respectively.

Other Movie Stuff:

6 boobs

The movie won awards for the costuming and rightfully so. It was pretty. As was Venice. That said, the soundtrack was pretty much forgettable, and I'm a music girl, so eh.

Boobs and other nudity:

8.5 boobs

This was 1997, so Helena Bonham Carter's boobs weren't ginormous, but they were very lovely to look at. As was her ass. I threw in the bonus half-boob for the aforementioned situation in which she just randomly showed 'em mid-serious conversation. Also: anything that puts a naked Superfine Linus Roache on my screen is awesomesauce.

Second kick (this time to the nads)

Yet moar plamo (plastic models). Don't worry, this isn't going to be a model kit review blog or anything like that. Still, I have nothing better to do than to review... THIS MOTHER FUCKER!

Anyhow, this is the GNZ-003 Gadessa. A 1/144 High Grade model kit of the Gundam 00 television series.

For some reason, I usually like one or two of the good guys' mecha in that genre of anime, but like a lot more the bad guys' machines. They tend to be of interesting looks and more often than not are destructive to boot.

The Gadessa is all that. Piloted by sissy looking, licensed major Revive Revival,

it still manages to be all sorts of cool with that BIG ASS CANNON it carries, it usually obliterates most of what it is aimed at.

So, I called the mail office and was told it was there. Enter a long hour going there and coming back trip. As soon as I got here, I prepared my work space. I took the runners out and examined them.

Pretty much what I expected. It even comes with a base, which is cool, because when it is in its flight mode, which is when it looks the coolest, it has its feet turned into ballerina-like spikes that won't let it stand.

I scratched my right buttcheek and said "let's get to it!". And then my nerdery possessed me into starting.

Here is the very first photo of the torso, assembled (heh... ass... nevemind...) according to the instructions. As you can see, it has two pretty red stickers that make it look as if it had nipples... and someone had yanked on them too hard... But on the other hand, it's just a robot, so there is no way it'll have nipps...

So far, so good... right?

YES!

I knew it.

The pieces at that moment amounted to six. Front part, rear part, a polycap at the bottom and two for the arms. Also, the neck. No torso is complete without one. Also, the nipple stickers.

More cutting and snap fitting (as fucked as it may sound) later, and I had a completed torso as it can be appreciated here:

More pieces and a few stickers later, Gadessa got head... Yes, head, but not of the blowjob variety. A pretty head full of joy and scary eyes that long to make puppies suffer. Lookit those red eyes and forehead camera.

Even more pieces later, the slowly, but surely green menace got its arm stumps. Gotta love how the little fucker looks at you with a menacing glare, but you know it looks ridiculous because of not having arms with which to hurt you.

Look at it. Make fun of how it looks.

Then came the shoulder pieces. Not it looks like a silicone enhanced hooker... with her enormous tits up her shoulders. Beware, Sheyla Hershey! Gadessa is here to make you feel the need to further endanger your life with implants!

More time passed, and it gained arms. One right fapping hand and a left wiping hand. I told it to say hi, but it just laid there, looking dissatisfied.

Same state, only trying to make it look cool.

Next came the time to assemble the legs. Yes. That thing is an actual leg. Freaky, huh?

But no Mobile Suit is complete without having a crotch... and a skirt... yes. A girly skirt.

Here's the Gadessa with its ugly ass toes standing. It makes a perfect job of looking scary... despite the silly color scheme.

It can even stand!

I assembled the GN Mega Launcher. That is, the Big Ass Gun. The thing splits its front section in tree to fire its badass beam of death. Unlike the actual mobile suit, the BAG was very easy to assemble.

In an effort to test the base and give it good stability, I placed the Gundam Astraea on the front part. I can't shake the feeling that it looks horribly wrong. Or maybe I'm just a complete pervert.

Still, it was a lot of fun just to build it. I will give it more poses later. For now, let's have it look weird.

Hard to see is the escape pod that plugs into the back of theMS. This houses the GN Drive Tau or Fake Solar Reactor and is the means of escape for the pilot.

Building this model was a very fun experience. It's interesting to concentrate into separating the pieces one by one, fitting it and seeing how the model comes to be. Definitely one of the most fun things I've done lately. It's going to look very different later. Reason? I'm going to paint it in my own colors. I was never a fan of the original pilot, so I thought about painting it. Why not?