Retro game review: Valis III

This is a game I have both fond memories and a sort of silly story with.

Valis III is a game my brothers and I first found in a Blockbuster WAY BACK in 1994. My dad took us there to rent movies, but we didn't know they had games too.

So, among all of the Nintendo stuff, there was a Genesis section. Really? Like... there were other people that had a Genesis? We saw the games and there were several that appealed to us, but we didn't reach an agreement. My dad ALWAYS tried to have us reach an agreement, which was actually what I think caused a split between us.

Anyhow, from all of the games we saw, Valis III had the shittiest box art. I can't even remember what the box art looked like, but it was SHIT. Horrible, horrible shit.

I insisted to my brothers to rent it, but they weren't budging. So, I came with the idea to have them support my rent of Valis III, in exchange of letting them rent whatever they wanted two times in a row. Basically, we didn't share the same interests. They wanted some game with two fuckers. Oh, I remember the name now. Two Crude Dudes. That game was SHIT. Really, it sucked ass like nobody's business. Still, this is Valis III time, so back to it I go.

We rented the game instead of a movie and there we went back home. My dad wasn't so gung-ho about renting games. We already had games at home. Why rent more? Well, jeez... maybe because the games were different? DUH!? But try explaining that to a father that the only thing he watches on TV are documentaries, movies and occassionally a movie.

My brothers were kind of dissatisfied. They went for the box art for reference, but I went for the text behind. I was the only one with a marginal understanding of the English language, after all. Also, the game photos of games back in the 16 bit era sucked. You needed to have big pictures and the low resolution and quality of those pictures, mixed with the shitty graphic design of the box, only made things way worse. Oh, but they had to have a black background and a lighter grid. Sega's style sucked donkey balls. It also sucked donkey dick as well.

SO... I stuck the cartridge on the genesis and then the opening story began playing. I got to see the blue faced big bad King Glames (who I also assume had big blue balls in a healthy way) talking to a pretty looking fortune teller named Leigh. Babbling about the Dark World going pretty much to shit and that they needed to go somewhere else. Huh... Maybe King Big Blue Balls wasn't so bad after all...

After that introduction to give me motivation, then got treated to a backstory with pretty damn good artwork (even better, considering the limitations of the hardware's resolution) that told me the story of the first two games. After all, when Valis III was released in 1991, there were no other Valis games on the platform (a shitty version of Valis I got released later and so did an SD rendition of Valis II). Then I got to know a bit more of the protagonist, Yuko Aso. Basically, she was a common school girl that was summoned by the queen of Dreamland to fight for her people. She ended up facing her own friend from school, Reiko Kirishima in a duel, aaaaand she gutted her. Really. Dead, dead, dead. Afterwards, she faced the big bad, King Rogles and also gutted him. This was in the first Valis alone.

Years later, having obtained the first two games, I got to know that Reiko was being brainwashed and turned from a lonely girl into a badass murdering machine with a skimpy outfit (typical of 80s anime) for Rogles.

In the second, another king named Megas, went to Dreamland and started ripping people apart, concentrating on killing the remains of Rogles' army. Still, this guy was more effective, attacking Queen Valia's castle and ripping her a new belly button. WOW. Then, Princess Valna, as sole heir to the throne, well, was kind of forced to take over as the new queen... But that's not all! Following all of the typical tropes, it was revealed by Valia's aide/secretary/freaky-lady-with-pasty-white-face, that Yuko herself was... DUN DUN DUUUUUUN! Valna's twin sister... Really? Either Yuko didn't know the princess and NOBODY TOLD HER, or she never

saw her own face on the mirror. I weep for her personal hygiene...

Anyway, she kicked Megas' anus into oblivion and then... Valis III time. Because no (mildly) successful series is complete without it being a trilogy. Well, there's Valis IV, but that's more like its own adventure, despite being in the same universe as the others and some of the previous characters appearing. Too bad there were no more made...

After the backstory that took quite some time, a mini cinema with excellent animation for a Genesis game showing the three protagonists of this game (because Yuko is no longer alone), I got treated to the title screen with a great music and badass logo with gold, shiny AND animated effects. WOW.

Then, after pressing start, I got treated to a short cutscene when a girl with long ears AND a horn on her forehead (those impractical Japanese character designers...) pretty much watches Yuko sleep... YES! She's watching her sleep and muttering things to herself! The guy from Twilight was beaten in his hobbies by more than a decade in time... By a girl with a horn on her forehead... THAT FOREHEAD!!

Anyway, I pretty much beat the game. I returned it and NEVER GOT TO PLAY IT AGAIN... In part because my brothers didn't want to go to THAT blockbuster because it was too far, and because when I went there with my dad one last time, the game was not there anymore... FUCK!

Years passed, my childhood and adolescence ended and then I was an adult... That game ALWAYS remained in the back of my memories. I had a blast playing it. I'll be honest. The game controls aren't very precise and the heroines aren't very quick. Still, the game sports THREE different characters to play with and also sub-weapons like good old Castlevania. But that is not where it ends. Each character has her own version of said sub-weapons. There's variety right there. Also, the music is very well composed, varied and even catchy, especially in some stages, where I ended up falling into pits for concentrating on the music. I loved those tunes that much.

So, one day that I had money, I decided to go to one of the local open markets. Think of a mall, only it's with crappy stands and all sorts of merchandise. Legal or otherwise. Legally bought or not. It's pretty much a black market, since it's not regulated.

I walked through the stands that usually have games and looked them over. My intention was to buy whatever Super Nintendo game I could find. I found Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles In Time. A game I loved when I was a kid. It was kind of pricy for an old game, but I decided to make an exception. I went to a different stand and they only had Playstation 2 games for outrageous prices. Especially considering they were used. I moved on and kept walking. Minutes later, I found a stand I rarely saw open and decided to take a look. I saw some Genesis games and decided to browse. Splatterhouse, Decap Attack and some other games that I didn't really care about along with LOTS of sports games. Then, a blue label on a black cartridge. I read it and then I had a rush of adrenalin. Like the one you get when you find something you've looked for and get all happy and stuff.

THEN I remembered I was dealing with a bitch that would first observe my reaction and then raise the price.

My course of action was to shut the fuck up and go to the next cartridge. Some Madden game with NFL football. "How much for this one?" I asked her. I got a high price. Apparently, sports games sold for higher... Or she saw my response time was shorter when looking at that game. I lean towards the latter. "How much are the non sports games?" I tried to feign lack of interest. Like that of a window shopper. The price was around half. HALF. "Okay, I'll take this one." I pulled out Valis III quickly, revealing to her I had just dicked her with a ruse, paid for my game and got the fuck out of there.

That game I got two great games, but the Super Nintendo was not getting any attention that evening. No, sir. My Genesis got ALL of my time. Not the Playstation 2, not the Playstation 1. My Dreamcast was down for the count, since I hadn't gotten the parts to repair it then. My Genesis got all of those hours. After I got off the bus, I ran to my house, got in and went straight to my room. Connected the Genesis that had seen little use and stuck Valis III in the slot. The game worked perfectly. The music was still awesome and so were the graphics. The gameplay was just like I remembered and even better... That time, I had no obligation to return it to a far away Blockbuster. The game was finally mine.

NOW... After that most likely wall of text, let's tear at the game like I should have done from the beginning, shall we?

Valis III is a very, very, VERY straightforward game. With the D-Pad, you move to the left, right and crouch with down. Upon pressing up, the playable character looks up. Why? Other than this cosmetic thing, up seems to have no other functions... or does it? The answer is a resounding YES!

Up + Attack button allows the currently selected character to use a magic attack. These attacks can be one of many, depending on the item the heroines have in their possession. It can be flaming, flying knives that hover above the player's head and home in to the first enemy that appears on screen, a flash that damages every enemy onscreen or even a projectile that freezes the enemy it touches. As I mentioned, every heroine has a different similar version. Some are more useful than others for some situations. The other function Up serves, is to make jumps a little bit higher. There are some ledges and items that can't be reached with a normal jump, so those higher jumps come in handy.

Now, time for the boobs... or in more common terms, what I think is a good number to stick to a particular aspect of the game. Please, take this with not a grain of salt, but a spoonful of it. These are just my own impressions, and they may not be the same for you.

First up: The gameplay.

I talked about differences between the three heroines. They are quite different, all right. Yuko, being the central character is the balanced one in terms of speed of attacks. As you pick power ups, her basic attack range increases, while it becomes necessary to wait a little longer for the full range of her current level to be available. Still, the basic sword slash is always at your disposal. Thankfully, there is no moment of being defenseless. The reach of the wave that is "fired" from her sword is what changes. Her magic attacks are useful and have a decent coverage.

Cham, the girl with the horn on her forehead (dat horn) is a different case altogether. Her magic, while not crappy, has less coverage. When Yuko has a flash attack that pretty much kills everything onscreen, she fires five little projectiles. Left, right, up and up-left, up-right. Her attacks are the fastest, but her range never gets longer. She also uses a whip, which feels very much like the classic Castlevania games. Valna, the princess of Dreamland and Yuko's doppelganger that doesn't try to kill her, has the best magic attacks. They do plenty of damage and have the best screen coverage. BUT... since she's a mage, she has the shittiest basic attacks... SLOW and relatively short ranged. On the good side, while she attacks forward, she also fires a small projectile diagonally forward that can get an incoming enemy. Sweet, huh? She also dresses in robes... what the hell... To fight? In robes? Only those crazy magicians do that...

During the game, it is possible to change characters, so some extra exploration of gameplay possibilities is available that invites to more than a single playthrough, so those looking for replay value have that possibility in this game. No need to bitch and whine like those little pussies that I bet my ass in prison, knowing I will keep it virgin forever, that aren't above the mark of 16 solar rotations.

The bosses are all different, which is cool. The first boss attacks with a spiked flail that he throws forward and retrieves with a chain without ever touching the ground (that's videogame magic for you, fuckers!) or projectiles that cover a large portion of the screen, that you can defend against by attacking them.

The second boss is a dude that jumps into the water and comes back transformed in a dragon that... fires bubbles at you... Yes... bubbles. A bubble throwing dragon. What does it have in its stomach? Soap? Then there's the third boss, which uses fire and looks really cool as it hovers and shows his badass armor and more.

I give the gameplay: EIGHT boobs.

Now: Stage design.

The stages are varied and there are lots of pits to fall into (oh, joy!). They can be the typical go right, right, right, meet the boss of the stage and then kill him type of stage, or the climbing stage. Well, as far as climbing goes in an old school platformer anyway. There's even the almost seemingly obligatory ice stage with the slippery floors. Really, this is the most difficult stage in the whole game. One wrong move and it's a one way ticket out of the screen, via pit. Yes, the bane of platformers just got married... with slippery ice.

I give stage design: NINE boobs.

Coming up: Music.

The music is especially noteworthy. It's typically synthesized music (what else can one expect from the 16 bits era?). Still, it's all varied. The tracks aren't similar to each other and even have varying styles. The result of different composers, one of which, a lady named Michiko Naruke, has composed music for more games, namely the Wild Arms series for the Playstation consoles.

I give the music: TEN boobs. Why? Because I love it. Plain and simple. There is nothing more subjective than music appreciation... Well, maybe religion and law, but we're not going into an argument here, right? RIGHT?

And then the images: Graphics.

Graphics are a tad above average for games on the Genesis, with sharp graphics and easy to recognize blobs of pixels. The enemies don't mix with the background, making them disappear and take you by surprise, which is a good thing. There is only one exception, though. In the second stage, there is an enemy that is purposefully made transparent, with only the outline of its body visible. Still, if you pay a minimum of attention to movement on the screen, you can see it jumping above your head and landing behind you, with the intention of hitting you. The character animation is also very good. Visible especially in the human characters. Running animations are very, very nice. There are a few cinema displays that make use of anime style illustrations. They are sparse, but very, very well done. The character design is also very good, which makes it look even better.

Thankfully, instead of muscle-bound meatbags, we get girls in unreal situations like saving not one, but TWO worlds by themselves... YES! Nothing is more realistic than being a three-women army... with skimpy clothing... and using magic... and the main heroine wielding a magic sword... against an enemy that easily measures more than five meters (16.4 feet)... maybe more... and is the KING of the DARK WORLD. Fuckin' A, huh?

I give graphics: EIGHT POINT FIVE boobs.

And finally: The story.

This is pretty much a typical story. Common tropes here and there. For the third game, we get the originally reluctant heroine, now transformed into a responsible and determined young warrior (I cringe at the sound of those two words together) that has a goal. Saving the day. She is joined by a new friend (who has that HORN in the middle of her damn forehead) and her wimpy, but magically capable TWIN sister that she didn't know was her sister until the last game... Standing before them is a collection of enemies AND bosses that all fail after facing them in turns... In the end, the big, bad king dies... but as his dying wish, he asks the victors to take his people and adopt them as their compatriots... Really... I shit you not... Couldn't it have been easier and without bloodshed to ask the pertinent authorities to be taken in? YES! But then there would be no DRAMA! And we are whores for DRAMA!

As a result, King Glames goes on a conquest campaign, against the women who would have taken them all in in a heartbeat... GENIUS.

I give the story: SIX boobs for being so damn cliche. Still, I think I'll throw an extra boob only because the main characters not only receive the inhabitants of the dark world and make a country for them, the main heroine goes to return her magical sword and that of the big-not-so-bad-after-all and loses her status as a human... She becomes a goddes... A goddes that guards the Valis and Leethus swords... forever...

Well, until the next game at least...

Result: SEVEN BOOBS!

Now, because I'm a dick that hates IGN and their shitty reviews with biased scores, I will make an average of my own marks!

So...

(8.0 + 9.0 + 10.0 + 8.5 + 7.0) / 5 = 8.5

Valis III gets a total of EIGHT POINT FIVE boobs!

SUCK A DEAD DONKEY'S DICK, IGN! YOU FUCKING SUCK, YOU MATHEMATICALLY INEPT FUCKS!! A FUCKING AVERAGE IS AS EASY AS ADDING ALL THE GRADES AND THEN DIVIDING THE RESULT BETWEEN THE NUMBER OF GRADES! YOU SUCK ASS!! I HOPE YOU CATCH A FLU AND FEEL LIKE SHIT, YOU IMBECILIC CUNTS THAT GET BRIBED BY GAME COMPANIES TO GIVE THEIR SHITTY GAMES GOOD SCORES!

FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU ALL!!! AND FUCK YOUR PETS TOO!!!