I should preface this very first movie review by saying that I am not a movie person. At all. I've seen very few of "the classics". I haven't even been to see a movie in a movie theater in about a year and a half. I have the attention span of a goldfish and raise a fishy eyebrow at the idea sitting down and devoting two-ish hours of my life to staring at a screen.
But I do sometimes watch movies. And thanks to Netflix, I've actually been seeing more of them. I'll admit that I usually prefer lighter stuff so I can multi-task and knit while watching (that whole attention span thing), but I do sort of love darker movies as well.
Onto the stuff that people actually care about. So I had a glorious day to myself on Election Day and finally got a chance to sit down and watch "The Wings of the Dove", which I'd been meaning to do ever since it was made available on the instant streaming feature.
Plot (contains spoilers):
Helena Bonham Carter is fabulously dressed in London in 1910 (I think that's what the screen says). Superfine Linus Roache gets handsy with her in a train and I get jealous. They're in love, but HBC's richbitch aunt, who has taken her in and given her an omg!makeover! doesn't think Superfine Linus Roache is good enough for her and wants her to stop seeing him. Naturally, though, Richbitch approves of Lord Douchebag, because he has money. *sigh*
Less-Attractive American Friend shows up. HBC befriends her, and there's some stuff I didn't really pay attention to involving the two of them and Lord Douchebag. In a very almost-rapey scene, Lord Douchebag breaks into HBC's room in the middle of the night, and after touching her in a very creeptastic way, he tells her that he's heard through the richbastard grapevine that Less-Attractive American Friend is dying. His grand plan is to ask her to marry him, get her to leave him all her money in her will, and then he can marry HBC, like he really wants. HBC manages to not to punch him in his smug face. She's a better person than I am.
Somewhere in all of this, Less-Attractive American Friend has caught a glimpse of Superfine Linus Roache and has instantly fallen in love with him. I am in full agreement with her judgement. Less-Attractive American Friend invites HBC to go with her to Venice and very very coyly suggests she convince Superfine Linus Roache to go along. This happens.
After flitting about Venice for a while, HBC gives her friend and her wannabe-fiance the stink-eye when they dance together at some sort of outdoor costume ball. Less-Attractive American Friend stops to do something else and HBC whisks Superfine Linus Roache into a dark alley. They make out and it's pretty hot. She gets the idea to steal Lord Douchebag's nefarious plan, but flip it around: Superfine Linus Roache will woo Less-Attractive American Friend, she'll leave HIM all her money, and he can finally marry HBC once she kicks it. This is seriously cold and depraved. I kind of love it.
HBC leaves Venice and Superfine Linus Roache gets to work. There is some light kissing, but nothing near the steamy intensity of the previous make-out session in the alley. Lord Douchebag shows up and tells Less-Attractive American Friend that Superfine Linus Roache has been banging HBC the entire time he's known her. She's upset and when Superfine Linus Roache goes to visit her, her servant begs him to tell her that it was all a lie. He's finally allowed to see her and he tearfully apologizes to her, culminating in a faceplant into her crotch. I'm a little jealous (though not of the sick and dying part).
Less-Attractive American Friend finally does die and Superfine Linus Roache gets a nice voice-over during her funeral montage. He goes back to London and HBC allows a few weeks to go by before she arrives at his place. They talk about how Less-Attractive American Friend did leave him her money, but he doesn't want it, and he's going to talk to his lawyers, and she tosses the notification into the fire, and so on. In the middle of this conversation, HBC goes into the bedroom and starts randomly getting naked. I approve wholeheartedly. In fact, the world could quite possibly become a better place if attractive people started randomly disrobing in the middle of serious conversations.
Superfine Linus Roache joins her and she takes his clothes off. YES. Since this is mainstream cinema, they don't show the goods, but it's enough to give me the crotchtingle. She mounts him and they fuck. I will assume that the fact that it lasted less than 30 seconds was due to time constraints and is not commentary on the skills of my beloved Superfine Linus Roache.
HBC slips off of him to cuddle and they engage in some pillow talk: He says he'll marry her only if he can turn down the money left to him. She agrees and says she should be allowed to have a condition of her own. She asks him to tell her honestly, right then and there, that he never actually had feelings for Less-Attractive American Friend. He...says nothing. Burn. Burrrrrrrrrn.
Plot:
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The first half of the movie sort of dragged for me, but once HBC cooked up her scheme (and hotly made out with Superfine Linus Roache), it really picked up. And, as stated above, I appreciated the fucked-up nature of the nefarious plan.
Acting:
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Do Helena Bonham Carter and Superfine Linus Roache ever not deliver? I almost threw in a bonus half-boob for Superfine Linus Roache being able to use his original British accent, but I took it away because Less-Attractive American Friend was a teensy bit bland. Richbitch aunt and Lord Douchebag were appropriately bitchy and douchey, respectively.
Other Movie Stuff:
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Boobs and other nudity:
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This was 1997, so Helena Bonham Carter's boobs weren't ginormous, but they were very lovely to look at. As was her ass. I threw in the bonus half-boob for the aforementioned situation in which she just randomly showed 'em mid-serious conversation. Also: anything that puts a naked Superfine Linus Roache on my screen is awesomesauce.
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