Okay. So. Holly Hunter's inner monologue introduces the movie to us. (Note: It takes place in the 19th century.) She hasn't spoken since she was six years old, but she makes noise with her piano. She and her daughter, who seems about 7-8 years old or so, are sent to New Zealand because her (Holly Hunter's) father has arranged a marriage for her. The piano goes with them, and they all get plopped on a beach.
Husband and his friend, Harvey Keitel, come to collect Holly Hunter and her child and her belongings the next day. (Yeah, they spent the night on the beach.) They bring along some Maori to help. Holly Hunter wants the piano, Husband says no, she gives him the Angry Eyes in an effort to argue, and loses. The piano stays on the beach as they go traipsing through the forest while the natives carry the other stuff she brought with her. Back at Husband's house, there are a bunch of older women, and these minor characters made so little of an impression on me, I can't really tell you anything about them, and this is probably the last time I'll mention them.
Holly Hunter and her daughter go find Harvey Keitel at his house and ask to be taken to the piano. He says he's too busy, so they sit outside his door and stalk him for a while. Eventually, he relents, and they go back to the beach. Holly Hunter gets into her musical groove, and Harvey Keitel sprouts a boner watching her while the daughter frolics in the sand. Sure. I like music. I love my piano. I can dig it.
Something happens and I guess I missed some of this dialogue, but the piano winds up in Harvey Keitel's house and he tells Husband he wants piano lessons from Holly Hunter. She initially wants no part of this, but she's a woman in the 19th century, so she has no choice. She and her daughter stomp through the forest, and she leaves the daughter to run in the woods unsupervised and play with a random dog while she goes inside the house. Gooood parenting.
Harvey Keitel tells her he doesn't want lessons, he just wants to listen to her play in his house while he "does things that he likes". I interpreted this to mean "fapping", though it is not explicitly shown in the movie. Holly Hunter doesn't go for this right away, but he makes her a deal - she can earn back her piano by visiting him and playing. One visit = one key. Eh, alright, I can go for some piano math. Soon, the deal gets more complex: she can earn multiple keys in one visit by doing stuff such as hiking her skirt up, taking her jacket off, and lying next to him in bed. She agrees to bargain for the piano in this manner.
While she plays, he does stuff like kiss her neck, touch her back, lie under the piano to look up her skirt, and in one very drawn-out scene, touch her skin through a hole in her stockings. He also does some creeper things like smell her jacket, and (in one HILARIOUS - to me - moment) disappears behind the curtain designating his bedroom, and when she goes to find him, he's naked. She is rather put off by this at first (and rightly so!), but he wears her down.
I gotta be honest, I'm not really seeing the path from Point A to Point B here. Obviously, this woman's already got some issues going on, with the whole mute thing, and even though this movie was two hours long, I thought the romance aspect was a little rushed. Anyhoo, he eventually offers her ten keys for lying in bed with him naked, and they do that while the daughter spies on them. She seems more fascinated than repulsed. I guess that's accurate?
There's a whole subplot in here with the Maori getting restless, and them not liking some play that was put on, and I guess they're supposed to be a subtle dangerous threat or something. I have no idea. I'm going to ignore it.
At one point, Harvey Keitel realizes that he's kind of made Holly Hunter into a whore, and tells her as much. (Yes, he used that word.) He kicks her out, telling her that she shouldn't be there if she doesn't have feelings for him, and gives the piano back to Husband. She returns to him, and then he knows they're really in luv. Aww. How smooshy.
Husband eventually grows suspicious. The daughter tells him that Holly Hunter actually isn't teaching piano lessons, she just goes to play. I thought this was just a naive little girl thing to do, but my opinion changed later, and you'll see why. Husband goes to Chez Harvey Keitel and, like the daughter, spies on the people inside.
And they are getting it on. Seriously. This is one of the most explicit sex scenes I have ever seen outside an actual porn. I suppose I have to give the actors major props - even if they were wearing something to actually prevent the touching of their genitalia (and if they did, it must have been tiny, as I didn't see anything), there is no doubt that their naughty bits were right up against each other. Next moment of honesty: despite the "wow, are they really doing that?" cinematography, I've found other sex scenes to be more *ahem* exciting.
Husband is not pleased by this. He confronts Holly Hunter in the woods and practically rapes her right there in the leaves because he's annoyed that she wasn't giving it up for him, but the daughter interrupts. At least she was finally good for something. They all go home, and Husband forbids Holly Hunter from seeing Harvey Keitel again.
I guess guilt overtakes Holly Hunter, though it's hard to tell because she doesn't fucking talk. She goes to Husband's bed a few times and touches him suggestively. I thought the first time was implying sex, but then he says later that she doesn't let him touch her in return, so I guess not. The second time, there's one really long bit where she's touching his ass and starts dipping between the cheeks, and he can't decide if he likes it or not, but then stops her. I guess he was afraid of the surprise!finger in his butt? I don't know what that was all about. Weird.
Holly Hunter pulls a key off her piano (and not even one of the stupid ones at either end, she picks one, like, right smack in the middle) and engraves a love note to Harvey Keitel on the side. Really. She brings it to her daughter and instructs her via their sign language to deliver it. The daughter wants none of it, but when you're that age, you can't really disobey your mom, so off she goes.
Then. Then. THEN. That fucking back-stabbing cunt of an ungrateful child delivers the piano key love note to Husband. I couldn't believe that little bitch. What a fucking whore. Husband is not happy. Oh, and when the daughter found him, he was out working in the fields with a hatchet. I should have known this wasn't going to end well.
Husband storms home, ranting and raving. Holly Hunter doesn't apologize because, you know, that whole not talking business. Husband starts attacking the piano with the hatchet, and Holly Hunter goes all Mama Bear on him and tries to pull him away. Considering how her actual child just fucked her over seven different ways from Sunday, I'd start showing maternal preference to the piano, too. They struggle for a bit, he tosses her up against the wall a couple times and tells her how angry he is, and then goes for the piano again. When she tries to stop him, he yanks her outside, where it's now raining heavily for some reason.
They slop through the mud as she tries to escape his grasp, but he succeeds in dragging her over to...the woodpile. Uh oh. Oh no. Please don't go here, movie. Husband still has the hatchet, and he puts Holly Hunter's hand on the chopping block. Please don't go here, movie. I'm begging you. Husband asks her whether or not she loves him. FUCKER, SHE DOESN'T TALK. When she doesn't answer (DUH), he OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD HE JUST CUT HER FINGER OFF I AM NOW GOING TO HAVE NIGHTMARES. The blood splatters the daughter's dress, and while she kind of deserved that, THE HUSBAND JUST FUCKING CUT OFF HOLLY HUNTER'S FINGER.
Okay, next moment of honesty: I couldn't watch too intently, so I thought it was her hand until Husband tells the daughter to bring it to Harvey Keitel and tell him that if he ever tries to see Holly Hunter again, he'll cut off another, then another. To my knowledge, Holly Hunter doesn't have a third hand (though if she did, she'd be a really awesome pianist!), so that's when I figured out it was her finger. Anyway, the daughter does what she is told (fucking finally) and goes to see Harvey Keitel. When she gets there, she's practically in hysterics and has trouble telling him what happened. Good. You should be crying, you bitch. This was all your fault. He eventually sees the finger and displays his angst by banging his head against a tree and swearing to bash in Husband's skull. I can't argue with that.
Husband tries apologizing to the bedridden Holly Hunter, whines about how she never gave him her sweet sweet pussy, and then asks her if she's feeling better. 1) For the last time, she doesn't talk, you dolt. 2) YOU JUST CUT OFF HER FUCKING FINGER. (Note: "fucking finger" makes me think of a finger that fucks, and at this point, I think she should rape his asshole with her bloody stump. Bastard deserves it.)
Husband wakes up Harvey Keitel by pointing a gun in his face, but then they have a heart-to-heart about how awesome Holly Hunter is. I must have zoned out a bit here, because it's apparently decided Harvey Keitel can have her. They go back to the beach/boats to leave New Zealand, and the natives paddle them away. It's a narrow canoe-type thing, and the piano is actually balanced on it, which looks pretty ridiculous. Holly Hunter gets it in her head that she doesn't want the piano anymore because it's ruined and asks via her daughter for it to be pushed overboard. They argue with Harvey Keitel about it for a while, but he relents. The guys rowing the boat push it over, and for some reason, there's a long rope attached to it. Impulsively, Holly Hunter decides to stick her foot in the loop of rope and she lets the piano pull her overboard.
Cue long scene of her sinking with the piano and struggling for air. At this point, I really thought the movie was going to end with her drowning, and I actually didn't care either way. I don't know if that's more of a reflection on me or this movie. At the last minute, she kicks off her shoe and swims to the surface. Her inner monologue returns (we haven't heard it since the beginning of the movie) and gives some inspirational speech about how her will chose to live.
The happy family gets to wherever they're going. Harvey Keitel buys Holly Hunter a new piano and makes her a prosthetic finger so she can teach piano lessons. She also decides to re-learn how to talk, but she's shy about practicing in front of people. That's okay, she'll just make out with Harvey Keitel (which they do). More quotes and inspirational lines, and we fade to black. Yeah.
I don't even know what I'm going to judge this movie on. The music was good, Holly Hunter's rack was maybe slightly above average, the minor characters were stupid and pointless, and I guess the plot was all right. Eh, have some random boobs anyway. We deserve them:
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| Five boobs for mediocrity. |
