I'll start off by pointing out the obvious - this movie was fucked up. I knew going in that it was fucked up...rest assured, it is. It is, indeed, fucked up. Whether or not that's a good or a bad thing has yet to be completely decided.
Natalie Portman is a ballerina. She's really good, but the foreign dude who runs the ballet company, Thomas (pronounced ToMAHS, of course, 'cause he's foreign), sort of thinks she has a stick up her ass. It was likely put there by her overbearing, sorta-creepy mother.
ToMAHS has decided to open the new season with the classic Swan Lake, and he's decided to pick one dancer to portray both the pure, virginal White Swan, and her slutty twin sister, the Black Swan. Natalie Portman, with the stick up her ass and everything, makes an awesome White Swan, but ToMAHS isn't convinced she's slutty enough for the slutty swan. While she's auditioning, Mila Kunis pops into the studio, banging the door open and disrupting Natalie Portman. The Exposition Fairy has already stated that Mila Kunis is fresh off a plane from California and is there to replace the ancient, elderly, old and dried-up Winona Ryder. Mila Kunis has a "fuck it" attitude and has a number of highly visible tattoos. Edgy.
Natalie Portman desperately wants to be the Swan Queen and she goes to ToMAHS to beg for the role. He reminds her of that stick up her ass, but then goes to make out with her. As he tries to suck her face off, she bites him - a move I approve of wholeheartedly. He tells her that he gave the role to another dancer, but surprise! Natalie Portman is the Swan Queen and everyone congratulates her, even though they're obviously jealous and sort of hate her.
ToMAHS brings her to a fancy schmancy event to introduce her to the world. Mila Kunis rips off her thong in the bathroom and that crusty prune Winona Ryder makes a scene. Natalie Portman is invited back to ToMAHS's apartment, where he makes her blush by asking her about sex. He gives her a homework assignment: go home and touch herself. I clearly went to the wrong kinds of schools (though I do touch myself like a champ!).
Creepy Mother is waiting for Natalie Portman and creepy stuff happens. The latter wakes up the following morning and decides to do a little homework. This homework is, of course, playing with her vagina. She could have been wearing less clothing, if you ask me, but it's still kind of hot. Just as she's about to blow her ladyload, she looks over and sees her mother sleeping in the corner. CREEPY.
Back at rehearsal, the stick has not budged from her ass, in ToMAHS's opinion. He catches her watching Mila Kunis and tells her that while Mila Kunis is not as precise as her, her dancing is more free and emotional and all that bullshit. Later on, he wants to rehearse *privately* with her. Sure enough, he kisses her again and he tells her to open her mouth and let his accented tongue inside. She obliges, and he gropes her heavily, making his way down to playing with her vagina. Just when she's all hot and bothered, he pushes her away and walks out on her, telling her that she needs to seduce him next time, but with her dancing, of course. The fragile Natalie Portman is not cool with this and calls after him, to no avail.
Now, Natalie Portman's batshittery has been apparent basically since the beginning of the movie. She scratches at her skin, so Creepy Mother cuts her fingernails very short. She'd hallucinated peeling the skin of her fingers OFF, and other crazy shit like her doppelganger stalking her and her reflection in the mirror doing stuff she is not. It's only going to get worse from here.
Mila Kunis shows up at the home of Natalie Portman and her Creepy Mother, and even though Creepy Mother does not like the idea of her little girl playing with strangers, Natalie Portman ignores her, grabs her shit, and leaves with Mila Kunis. Mila Kunis does her damndest to remove the stick from Natalie Portman's ass; it proves to be very difficult, so she just slips a drug in her drink. They go clubbing and dancing and talk to men and other SCANDALOUS things, until Natalie Portman's poor brain can't take much more, and the two ladies hop into a taxi.
What happens in the taxi? If you guessed "Mila Kunis plays with Natalie Portman's vagina," you would be correct. They return home, where Creepy Mother is rather annoyed, and Natalie Portman does everything short of telling her to go fuck herself. Creepy Mother is ranting and raving, but Natalie Portman grabs Mila Kunis and they barricade themselves in the bedroom. Naturally, they start making out, and Mila Kunis heads straight for the pussy. It's a pretty good scene, but it could have used more nudity. Natalie Portman finally gets her long-awaited orgasm (all over Mila Kunis's face, which she has to wipe away in a totally classy manner) and falls asleep.
In the morning, Mila Kunis is gone. Tramp. Natalie Portman bitches out Creepy Mother for not waking her up on time and shows up late to rehearsal where, much to her dismay, Mila Kunis is filling in for her. She soon learns that when Mila Kunis was going down on her, IT WASN'T REAL AT ALL AND SHE IMAGINED THE ENTIRE THING. You know, I would take those drugs.
It's all downhill from here. Natalie Portman becomes convinced that Mila Kunis is trying to steal her role, and hallucinates all sorts of crazy shit that isn't nearly as awesome as Mila Kunis dining at her clam bar. We're talking people stabbing themselves in the face with a nail file, mirrors playing tricks on her, Mila Kunis and ToMAHS having sex where the latter turns into the villain from the ballet (I guess it's about time someone else's vagina was played with?), and her legs basically collapsing underneath her at all sorts of inhuman angles. I admit I may or may have not watched some of these parts through my fingers.
After more insane mindfucks with her mother, she wakes up in her bed. Creepy Mother is concerned about her daughter and she's called the ballet company to tell them that she isn't feeling well and can't perform. Natalie Portman is, naturally, ENRAGED by this and goes off anyway. She gets backstage and sees that Mila Kunis is dressed in the Swan Queen costume. Oh, girlfriend, no. Oh no you di-int.
Despite the fact that she even looks like she's lost her fucking mind, she convinces ToMAHS that she can perform and starts putting on the fresh, innocent makeup of the White Swan. She goes out on stage and...well, she sort of blows. She starts in with the hallucinations again and her partner drops her and ToMAHS is rather pissed off. While changing into the Black Swan costume in her dressing room, Mila Kunis shows up for some smalltalk. It doesn't end well, as they get into a catfight, try to strangle each other, and Natalie Portman stabs her with a shard of broken mirror. Except, wait! It wasn't Mila Kunis that she stabbed! It was HERSELF! Ohhhh, mindfuck...
After dragging the corpse into the bathroom, she goes to perform the Black Swan and as the dance progresses, she...turns into a black swan. Hokay. This is all in her head as well (obviously, as people don't turn into birds on a regular basis), but she is thoroughly satisfied with her performance as the Slutty Swan. To celebrate, she plants a steamy kiss on ToMAHS. He's not quite sure what to expect.
Back in her dressing room, Natalie Portman freaks out about the pool of blood that's starting to trickle out from beneath the bathroom door. She hides it with a towel (damn, CSI will never figure that one out!) and starts changing back into the White Swan regalia, when there's a knock at the door. It's Mila Kunis, alive and well. Ooooookay. Good for Mila Kunis! Natalie Portman is shocked, and once alone again, she checks the bathroom. It's empty. From the center of her fluffy, white, virginal Swan costume, she pulls the shard of glass out of herself. I bet dancing with that in kind of hurt.
Back on stage, she's brilliant, but all good things must come to an end and it's time for the White Swan to take a swan dive off a platform and kill herself. She gracefully falls back onto the appropriately-placed mattress, the ballet ends, and everyone rushes over to her to congratulate her. Except she's bleeding. Huh. Guess she really did stab herself. Ouch. ToMAHS is upset, asking her what she did to herself, and calling for medical assistance. Natalie Portman doesn't care, and murmurs about how she was finally perfect. The end.
Okay.
I'm not quite sure where to start. Visually, everything was great. The music was fabulous, of course; you can't argue with Tchaikovsky, accused pedophile though he may be. I've always enjoyed Natalie Portman and she really was brilliant in this role. I fully support every award she won for it. In the course of less than two hours, she went from "Oooh, my breakfast grapefruit is so pretty!" (seriously) to a psychotic bitch on wheels (or toe shoes, I guess).
Most of my problem comes from that progression, I think. The movie does kind of suggest that due to her mother and their desire for her to be perfect, she was on shaky ground to begin with, but to be honest, I felt her descent into madness was a little rushed and I wasn't thoroughly satisfied with the foundation it was built upon. As a result, parts of the movie felt gratuitous and unnecessary and over the top. I'm not quite sure if I'm buying what they're trying to sell.
Now, I'm not saying I disliked the movie...but I definitely didn't love it. It could have been a case where I heard so many great things about it beforehand that there was no way it was going to live up to my expectations. However, even if I had gone out and seen it in theaters (as I had been considering), I think my opinion would still be the same.
Mila Kunis, Winona Ryder, Creepy Mother, and ToMAHS were all great and completely believable in their roles. Again, I think very highly of Natalie Portman and I think she acted the hell out of this movie, so I think any problems I have come from the writing. You can argue with me that as a movie/form of entertainment, it's supposed to be outrageous and surreal and I'm supposed to suspend my disbelief...yes and no. Other movies have made me believe some crazy-ass things were possible, and "Black Swan" just didn't do it for me. It wasn't a bad way to spend an evening, but I definitely don't think I'd sit through it again.
Since this is a review, I think it's time for some boobs:
Natalie Portman's Orgasm Face:
Okay, that part I bought. And enjoyed. But again, it could have been more enjoyable if she had less clothes on.
Mila Kunis's Depiction of Eating Pussy:
Girlfriend looks good with her face between another woman's legs. If a drug was created where the user would consistently believe Mila Kunis was going down on him/her, it would make BILLIONS. This category missed out on the perfect 10 for the same reason as above.
Ye Olde Plot(e):
I can totally appreciate a "WTF?!" plot if done well. This one fell a little short. Boobs awarded for effort, boobs taken away for execution.
Mindfuckery:
Obviously, there was plenty of fuckery to be had. But again, it would have fucked with my mind even more if it was more believable.
Overall, completely not mathematically-calculated at all, score:
It was better than average, but I had expected better than better than average. Check it out, but try not to spend the full price of a movie theater ticket.
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